


bergamot, teak, and walnut ink

by CoinToYourWitcher



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: All song fics all the time, Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Amortentia, Angst, Ben/Severus is 15, Bullying, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Crushes, Deleted scene style, Dubious Consent, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Harry Potter Crossover - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, I just think Lily would have dated him for a bit before shit hit the fan, Isn't it weird that Snape and Kylo both mind read?, Legilimency, Loss of Virginity, Love Potion/Spell, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Not HEA so don't kill me, Recreational Drug Use, Rey/Lily is 15, Reylo - Freeform, Sad Ending, Secret Relationship, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Sexual Tension, Slug Club, Veritaserum Truth or Dare, Young Severus Snape, because love potion, doing naughty things at the Slug Club party, love potion sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:01:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 24,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27051574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoinToYourWitcher/pseuds/CoinToYourWitcher
Summary: Rey is Lily Evans.Ben is Severus Snape.A sexy Marauder’s era crossover with love potions, bullying, and angst.Vibe: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJ54GFhf/(One time a fan said they hugged Adam Driver and he smelled like bergamot and teak wood, so that's head canon for me now. And the calligraphy pens in Ben's padawan hut supplied my idea for the third smell.)The Spotify Playlist
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lily Evans Potter/Severus Snape, Love triangle - Relationship
Comments: 144
Kudos: 64





	1. On the virgin quiet, we’ll cut our teeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **We'll swallow our speak, we'll bury it deep  
>  On the virgin quiet, we'll cut our teeth  
> May the days stay sweet, may your steady heart beat  
> You fed me reason, just like I taught you to  
> Brought the wooden cup to my mouth  
> And I drank til my heart gave out**
> 
> The Loved Ones by Sanders Bohlke
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/BgPRcGK)

The heady fumes wafting through the small potions room that afternoon were making her light-headed. And giddy. She was becoming very aware of Severus’s sleeve grazing her bare arm as he worked, scraping moonstone powder into her cauldron when Slughorn wasn’t looking.

“You’re not supposed to crush it,” Lily whispered, rereading the instructions. To add one moonstone, roughly the size of a thumbnail.

Severus didn’t look up, just suppressed a smile and shook his head as he stirred his potion. She copied him, clockwise, swirling eddies into the translucent mixture, until both of their batches were gleaming with a dozen colors, smoke spiraling into the air. Intoxicating.

She gave him a smile of thanks.

He always did that, helped her look like some kind of potions prodigy. Severus knew Slughorn had never expected much of her, as a Muggle-born, and Severus liked seeing the look of shock on his face.

“Lovely, Lily,” Slughorn gushed when he spotted the smoke. Everyone turned to observe her cauldron, some impressed, others rolling their eyes.

Severus’s skills were the reason _she_ was in the Slug Club. And even though his potions were just as good, identical, Slughorn never seemed to pay him much attention. Probably because he barely spoke. He did to her though, when they were alone.

“Evans, taste test this for me?” James joked, on her left, holding up a steaming wooden spoon.

Potter. He never gave up. His flirtations would be comical, if they weren’t grounded in reality. A genuine, narcissistic belief that he could wear her down into dating him.

But she leaned seductively toward the spoon, pretending to breathe it in. “I’m tempted to do it,” she said, cocking an eyebrow.

Severus stiffened on her right, his eyes boring into her cheek.

“Really?” James said, not falling for her trap, yet grinning as his pack of friends sniggered behind him.

“Yes, because those who administer love potions at Hogwarts are guaranteed expulsion,” Lily said, turning back to her work, putting each ingredient bottle back into her potions kit.

Severus smirked, and James gave him that look. The one that said if he caught him in the halls, he’d be in trouble. And class was almost over.

“Out of curiosity, everyone jot down what you smell in Lily’s Amortentia,” Slughorn said. “Lily, you’ll collect them for me,” he added, walking into his store room.

James slid over, bumping her hip, “Budge up, Evans.” The class tittered.

He ran a hand through his hair unnecessarily and took a whiff, projecting loudly so the class could hear, “Gingerbread...heather…and _daylilies_.”

The class laughed, except for her and Severus. 

“You just have to write it down, no need to share,” she scowled, pushing him aside.

One by one, the class filed by her cauldron, most of them keeping their revelations to themselves. Though Sirius was working very hard to tease answers out of Marlene McKinnon.

Severus had already written down his, seated beside her, ready to bolt as soon as the clock tower chimed, but Slughorn returned with a box of empty vials.

“Severen, would you mind bottling up a bit of Lily’s batch? You’re all done with classes today, I believe?” Slughorn said, before sauntering off with the rest of the class at the distant clang of bells.

“I’ll help,” Lily offered, when he sighed.

“Thanks,” he said, his first word to her that day. It sent a thrill up her stomach, every time she heard him use his voice. Shy, but deep with testosterone.

“Why these tiny vials?” she complained, as they struggled to ladle it.

“He sells it.”

Stomach thrill.

  
Hopefully there wasn’t going to be a mess of witches and wizards falling in love with her. Since _she_ had brewed the potion. There must be some spell to make the purchaser the potion’s intended recipient.

  
There was a moment of awkward silence, but she was used to that with him. His lack of social graces. It made her feel like maybe she was gifted at one thing he wasn’t.

“What do you think would happen if you drank your _own_ Amortentia?” Lily wondered aloud. 

He scoffed. “You’d just get high.”

Thrill.

Also, how did he know _everything_?

“Let’s try it,” Lily said, perfectly serious. “I’ll keep a vial of mine and you keep a vial of yours. It’s not technically against the rules to administer it to yourself.”

Severus chewed his cheek, “When, now? I have four papers to write.”

She thought for a second. “No, not here, but we could go to the boathouse? And what do you mean four papers? Sev, are you still helping those Death Eater wannabes?” 

He looked up at the change in her tone. “I’m not helping, I’m just...taking their gold,” he said, hoping she’d like the sound of that better. Which she did.

Severus didn’t get any mail from home. No spending money, ever. So he’d been doing coursework for his fellow Slytherins for years. 

“No wonder I never see you. Busy making sure the Death Munchers get passing scores,” she said, bitterly. “Can’t believe you want them to like you,” she said, finding his eyes.

Mulciber, Avery, Wilkes, and Rosier. A nest of blood-purist snakes. At least _Gryffindors_ stuck up for her when they picked on her.

“You mean the jocks, bimbos, and skanks you call friends?” he muttered, vanishing the rest of her potion so they wouldn’t have to bottle any more.

“I told you, don’t read my mind,” she said, grabbing the pile of parchments and marching them to Slughorn’s desk.

Severus set the box of full vials next to the stack. “You never wrote down what you smelled,” he said, stuffing his list to the bottom of the pile.

She swallowed, “I forgot.”

Severus pulled one vial back out for her, tearing the label off so it couldn’t be identified. “I’ve got mine,” he said, holding it up. “Boathouse at seven?”

She nodded, the thrill back at the prospect.

His eyes read her face, satisfied she wasn’t mad at him anymore, before walking to the desk for his kit and striding to the staircase.

Lily unstoppered the bottle and brought it to her nose, closing her eyes as the scent filled her lungs, clouded her brain, and made her want to melt to a puddle on the dungeon floor.

_Bergamot_. Like the cheap Earl Grey Severus drank.

_Teak_. The dark wood of the Slytherin common room.

_Walnut ink_. The stain on his fingers from scribbling away all day and night.

She wasn’t sure when it had happened. Maybe their third year when they started going to the boathouse rather than Hogsmeade. Or their second year when he started helping her with potions. Or that first moment when he met her on the playground in Cokeworth and told her she wasn’t a freak. Not to him.

———————————

It was wishful thinking that she could pass through the bustling Gryffindor common room unnoticed.

“It’s almost dark, where do you think you’re going?” Marlene said, disappointed. “I want to tell you what Sirius smelled!” she said, excitedly.

“Probably himself. Like a wet dog. And he doesn’t even have a dog,” Lily said, looking over to the fireplace where James’s gang had claimed the couch.

“Have fun at the _library_ , but we’re talking Slug Club dresses when you get back,” Marlene droned, making the assumption. Because whenever she met Severus at the boathouse, she pretended she was going to study. Because Marlene wouldn’t be caught dead in the library.

“Fine,” Lily conceded, glancing at the boys once more to make sure they weren’t following. James was watching her out of the corner of his eye, but they were deep in conversation, using their nicknames for each other, rubbing it in. That they were Gryffindor royalty, lording over their worn thrones, driving the girls mad.

She stepped through the portrait and walked quickly. She did a detour when she spotted Mrs. Norris on the third floor corridor, and beelined for the tapestry with the claustrophobic stairwell to the second floor.

The clock tower bells rang seven times and her fist tightened around the vial as she tried to take the stairs to the boathouse without sliding. 

She checked to make sure no one was following twice, though it sounded like there might be. But there was nowhere for anyone to hide, just heather and stone down the steep slope. It was likely an echo of her own shoes on the rocks.

Severus was stretched out on the dock, trying to transfigure two pine cones into cups.

“Your wand sucks,” she said, swishing hers at the pine cones and curtseying when they turned into two simple wooden goblets.

“Invent any new charms lately?” he asked, when she sat cross-legged in front of him.

She’d invented a few. Charms were her favorite. She showed him one where you could lift someone up into the air by a foot, and he’d used it on James once. After that, everyone was using it. And everyone thought he’d invented it.

“I’m working on one called _‘Muffliato’_ where anyone who comes eavesdropping near the boathouse can’t hear us. It just makes their ears all buzzy,” she said, feeling stupid. Sirius was going to be an incredible wizard and potion expert one day. And she...made flowers bloom and clogged people’s ears.

“I’ll have to remember that one,” he grinned. 

Maybe it wasn’t stupid.

Severus pulled his vial out of his trouser pocket, uncorked it, and allowed one drop to land in the cup. “One drop lasts 24 hours. So we’ll dilute it with water and only take a sip,” he said.

Lily smiled, excited again. “Okay, but, what happens in the boathouse stays in the boathouse. If I start singing or something, not a word,” she laughed, dripping one pink drop into the cup. 

Severus poured water from his wand into both cups, before holding his up as if to make a toast. “Friends.”

She must have looked overly-eager, because his hand folded over hers on the cup, slowing her down. 

“Just a sip,” he reminded her, his long fingers burning over her hand, the thrill attacking her stomach, making her heart pump unnaturally fast.

They drank simultaneously, one swallow that dragged his Adam’s Apple down to his dark shirt.

It tasted like sugar and rainwater on her tongue. It fizzed down her throat like champagne. The blanket on the dock felt like clouds and she floated onto it, her head at Severus’s knee.

“You okay?” he smiled down at her, his long, dark hair framing his face.

She wished he’d kiss her. She wished he’d burn her with his fingers again. But she closed her eyes, afraid he’d read it. Occlumency was a pain in the arse.

“I’m brilliant,” she admitted.

Severus laid down too—on the boards, letting her have the blanket—but with his head next to hers so they could talk quietly.

She was dying to ask what Amortentia smelled like to him. But her potion hit her bloodstream, and she clamped her hands over her mouth to keep from screaming his name.


	2. All you need to know is I want more

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **All you need to know is I want more, more  
>  Looking for more  
> I want more, more  
> 'Cause I want more  
> So light, hold back the night, wait 'til it's right  
> But then you fold your hand into mine  
> Watch as the waves fall back into place  
> So don't you leave me there wanting more**
> 
> I Want More by KALEO
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/Ph4WqXY)   
  


“Quick, Sev, how do I sober up?” she pleaded.

Amortentia was no joke. She had to cross her arms, clamping down on her hands, because they were itching to touch him. Why didn’t he want her? Why wasn’t he all over her like James? Why did that make her want him even more?

“It’s only been five minutes,” he chuckled, calmly.

The sound of his laugh—even deeper when he lay on his back—made her whole body start shaking.

“Lily?” he said, sitting up, sounding completely normal. He put two fingers on her neck and she wanted to do bad things to those fingers. “Your heart’s beating so fast,” he said, sounding concerned.

“You didn’t take it, did you?” she said, sitting up. She looked up into his face, so close to hers, daring him to lie. 

He pursed his lips.

“No, I didn’t,” he said, finally. “I can’t afford to get in trouble!” he said over her ‘What? Why?!’. “I bet Dumbledore would expel a Slytherin for any little thing.”

“I hate you,” she laughed. “I’m high as a kite and you’re just—fucking bored over there! Fix me, please, what do I do?”

“What’s the matter? What are your symptoms?”

Uncontrollable desire _._ “No symptoms,” she lied, her eyes shut tight, “just make it stop!”

“On a scale of one to ten, one being: you can wait thirty minutes for me to run whip something up, and ten being: fix it right now no matter the-.”

“TEN!”

“Fuck,” he said, standing up and taking her arm. He buried his shoulder in her stomach and lifted her off the dock. 

“What are you doing?” Lily said, his inexplicably muscled body making everything worse.

“I’m sorry,” he said, turning until she was over the edge and tossing her unceremoniously into the water.

Ah! fuckcoldmotherfffff!

She righted herself underwater and exhaled bubbles of relief. The cold had washed away the worst of the urges. When she breached the surface, Severus was holding a hand out to pull her up, continuing to apologize. 

The Black Lake was frigid year round, and it was spring, still chilly at night, but somehow the water felt warmer than the air now. She grabbed his hand and kicked off the dock, tipping him over into the water.

“Ahh,” he griped when he came up, flicking kelp off his arm. “That’s fair though, I guess,” he said, grinning. 

He really _should_ smile more. 

“I can’t believe you threw me off,” she laughed quietly, worried the gamekeeper would catch them out after dark.

He ran a hand through his hair, looking at her face. Too carefully.

“Don’t read my mind,” Lily repeated herself.

“I wasn’t, just trying to tell how you’re doing,” he said, swimming closer.

“Everything _feels_ too much,” she said, wondering if that made sense. She played with the water between them, trying to show him. The way water flowed over her hands and was so beautiful.

His hands swirled around hers, touching her fingers, making her thrill come back. “You’re okay though?” he asked, gently.

“Yeah,” she said, folding her hands into his, staring at them instead of his face. She didn't know how long they swam like that, barely touching. Wanting to do more. “When did your hands get so big?”

“You _are_ high,” he said, sounding unaware that that was a compliment.

She realized he was tall enough to stand. “You got tall, too.”

“Anything else?” he asked as she swam a circle around him, submitting to her appraisal.

“Did you start working out?” she blurted.

“What?” he asked, shaking water out of his ear.

“Nothing,” she said quickly, watching him loosen and remove his tie, throwing it up onto the dry dock.

She swam in silence, watching fog or steam over the water. “This is fun. We should do this again.”

“We’ve gone swimming before,” he said.

“Yeah, when we were thirteen,” she said, remembering. They used to shuck their clothes on the dock, down to their underwear.

She hadn’t realized how hard it was to swim with her sweater on, water-logged. With zero grace, she tried to extricate her head and hair from her sweater, and in the end, Severus had to help her. 

“Heavy,” she explained, throwing it on the dock. She pulled off her shoes and Severus did the same, laughing as she threw hers in odd directions, one landing in a boat. She unzipped her skirt under the water and pulled it over her legs, not checking to see his reaction to that article of clothing.

She was working on her buttons when he finally spoke again, “You’re a pretty good swimmer, you’ve been treading this whole time.”

“I’m actually kind of tired,” she admitted, pulling her shirt over her arms and wadding it up to add to the clothes on the dock. “Aren’t you going to take more off?”

Did that sound hopeful?

“I don’t want to get in trouble,” he repeated. He really was terrified of being sent home. His dad was a prick, from what little he’d divulged. Usually the summer bruises told the story for him.

“Ugh. Tired,” she said, winded from the effort of swim-stripping, grabbing his shoulders for support and letting her forearms touch his back, over his shoulder blades. “At least take this sweater off.”

He exhaled and she thought he was going to protest again, but he ducked underwater and came back up naked from the waist up.

“See, that wasn’t so- Sev...what happened?” she said, touching a scar from his lower rib to his collarbone. It was old enough to be from last summer. She tried to remember back that far. There were a couple weeks where she missed him at their spot on the river.

“No magic outside of school,” he said. “So I had to go to the hospital and get stitches.” 

“Would the Ministry be able to tell if you poisoned him?” she said, wryly, but he just shrugged.

Severus looked down, watching her hand, still touching the swells of muscle, the scar an excuse to do so, even though her eyes were welling with anger for him. 

It was her turn to forget to fill the silence, Severus’s chest rising and falling under her hand. 

Maybe now was the moment. 

Maybe he was going to kiss her. 

She could feel it building, like a wave. 

She looked into his eyes, inviting him in.

A loud splash made her scream, but Severus covered her mouth, swimming silently back to the dock. 

“Just a fish,” he guessed, helping her to the ladder.

She pulled her freezing cold skirt on first and Severus handed her her shirt. “Fuck, it’s cold,” she laughed, teeth chattering as he found her rogue shoe.

“Are you going to be able to sneak through the castle? You’re kind of...clumsy right now,” he said, putting it mildly.

Her shirt was inside out and her shoes were on the wrong feet. She kicked them off to put them back on again. “I’ll manage,” she huffed. “Marlene wants to show me Slug Club dresses, so I’ve got to hurry.”

“Dresses?” he snorted. 

“Yes, we dress up for dinners. There’s one Saturday. Then there’s this big end of year party in two weeks on Ostara,” she said, ringing out her sweater.

“Ostara?”

“It’s the Spring Equinox, the one in between Imbolc and Beltane. Light and dark in balance or something,” she said, trying to remember Slughorn’s excuse to let them drink and get rowdy in his office.

Severus wasn’t talking.

“I know you don’t get why I like it,” she said. It was lame. A professor who ‘collected’ students for a private club so he could brag about them one day. But he also used his contacts to help them with job opportunities. Even James—who made fun of the club in private—attended every time he got an invitation. Either for the advantages, the clout, or because she was there.

  
  


“I get it,” was all he said, tossing his Amortentia into the lake. “There. Now all the merpeople will love me for at least six months.”

Lily smiled, pocketing hers. They trudged back to the castle, barely speaking, their lungs working hard on the incline. When they got to the first floor corridor, ready to part ways, Severus frowned. “I could get into the Club, if I wanted,” he said, unexpectedly.

Of course he could. He got _her_ in.

“I know,” she said, watching him turn quietly and head for the dungeons, leaving a trail of water droplets in his wake. He never said a proper goodbye, always just walked away like that. She loved that about him. His awkwardness. His bow-legged walk. The way he hunched to make himself smaller.

“Sev!” she said, too loudly.

“Shh. What?” he whispered, turning around, surprised to see her still standing there.

“I dare you.”

“To do what?” he said, mouthed, so much quieter than her.

“To get into the Club,” she said, knowing he’d do it now. Even if James was there and the whole thing was idiotic and it was sometimes a bore. Even if he had to dress up and talk to people. She knew he’d do it, just to show everyone.

He hid a smile and kept walking.

She drifted back to Gryffindor tower, smiling at her feet, forgetting to watch for prefects or professors, eager to warm herself by the fire, surprised when the clock chimed nine times. Had they really been swimming for two hours? And how much of that time was she touching Severus, running her hands over his in the water…

“Tristis finis,” she told the Fat Lady, before she could ask for the password. “Ahhh,” she said, safely inside. The Gryffindor common room was so much cozier than the corridors.

A towel flew through the air and she caught it, toasty warm from the fireplace.

“Hey,” James said, pretending to read a book in the same spot she’d seen him hours ago.

She looked down at the towel in her hands and let it fall to the floor, as badly as she wanted it. “Did you _follow_ me?” she asked, irritated. She should have used _Muffliato_ on the boathouse.

He stood up, “Did _you_ just get high with a Death Eater?” 

She’d never heard that tone from him before. Jealous. Mean. Caring. All wrapped in one.

“He’s not—.”

“He will,” James said, quietly, tossing his book on the couch and walking up to her. He picked up the towel at her feet and handed it to her again, insisting.

She took it, anything to make him leave. He went up the staircase to the boy’s dormitories. 

She should’ve gone to find Marlene and let her give her a fashion show. But instead, she took her towel over to James’s throne and sat next to the fire, letting her own Amortentia wear off, letting her body acclimate, wishing she could make Severus smile more. Wishing he was a Gryffindor with nice parents and mail once a week. Wishing he talked to her every day as often as he did today. And wishing Potter wasn’t watching her from the balcony with the same sort of longing.


	3. Be a part of the love club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Be a part of the love club  
>  Everything will glow for you  
> You'll get punched for the love club  
> For the love club  
> I joined the club and it's all on  
> There are fights for being my best friend  
> And the girls get their claws out  
> There's something about hanging out with the wicked kids**
> 
> The Love Club by Lorde
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/T2kMQKX)

Lily didn’t have any classes with Severus on Friday, but he was conspicuously absent from the halls. She thought about asking another Slytherin where he was, only to realize she had never approached a member of their rival house _for anything._

Pure-blood supremacists didn’t think she should even be allowed at Hogwarts as a Muggle-born. They thought she stole her magic from another witch or wizard. Which was stupid. Because wouldn’t it take magic to even steal it? With the rise of You-Know-Who, they had become emboldened and insufferable. They teased and cursed her, explained wizard terminology to her as if she were a troll, and told her she’d be cleaning the floors with Filch one day.

Marlene found her staring at a group of them in the courtyard. “Uh, what are you doing? Are you trying to get jinxed? Let’s go, I have a dress for you for tomorrow but I might need to take it in,” she said, pushing Lily back into the castle.

Saturday, she slept in, then finished a parchment on new developments in magical inventions. She focused on Vanishing Cabinets, a concept that appealed to most people, an easy escape when dark wizards came knocking.

Before Slug Club, Marlene squeezed her into a green dress ‘to color contrast her hair’, and circulated the common room twice with Lily on her arm, just to be sure Sirius saw them dolled up. Her friend _was_ stunning, with olive skin and a slim figure and a voice that was kind of hoarse—in the cute way. Actually, she might _be_ hoarse. From talking so often.

“How’s that going?” Lily inquired as they parted ways with the group heading to the Great Hall for dinner.

“Oh, it’s going,” Marlene said, salaciously. “I thought last night would be the night, but he completely disappeared.”

“Yeah, they do that,” she said, thinking of Severus.

“The Marauders? Yeah, where do they go, do you think?” Marlene mused as they knocked on the door to Slughorn’s office. 

“Evening, Professor,” they said, letting him compliment their attire and direct them into his magically-enlarged office. It had vaulted ceilings, a round dining table big enough to seat ten, two couches in front of the fireplace, and a considerable study.

James was already there, unsheathing a vinyl record to play on the gramophone. His clothes were on point, but his hair was a mess, as always. He flashed her a smile she didn’t return.

  
  


“We were looking for you in the common room, James,” Marlene lied, still trying to make a good impression with her boy’s best friend.

“I was hungry,” he invented, glancing at Lily’s dress and taking a bite of a hors d'oeuvre at random.

Lily looked around at the room, three students from each house—except for Slytherin, just Gaige Mulciber and Roman Avery, talking alone by the drinks. Mulciber would have been attractive, with his dark hair and heavy-lidded eyes, were he not always wearing a smug expression that Avery attempted to mimic, his features the reverse, blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Of course you’re hungry, James! Athletes get twice as much at my dinners. I’ve already told the elves,” Slughorn said to his favorite, motioning to the table.

Everyone took a seat and Lily waited until James sat, before choosing the farthest option, a seat across the table. Marlene mumbled and followed, sitting on her right.

There was a knock at the door and Slughorn frowned, then blinked, “Oh, nearly forgot!”

They turned in their chairs to see who was late and Lily inhaled sharply. Severus was at the door. In a dinner jacket. His eyes quickly scanned the room and landed on her red hair.

“ _Severus_ is joining us tonight as well,” Slughorn explained to his guests. The emphasis on his name made Lily think Sev had finally corrected him. 

Severus hid a smile when he saw the empty chair next to Lily, with the Slytherins on the other side. He nodded as everyone offered uncomfortable hellos, wondering how he’d gotten in when Slughorn hadn’t given him any special attention in five years.

He sat with clenched hands and Lily folded her napkin in her lap, so he’d follow her lead.

“That was quick,” she said, under her breath.

“Found a new way of making gold,” Severus explained, quiet enough that no one else could hear. “Slughorn’s giving me a cut of the potions I make.”

She smiled. No more writing papers for Death Eaters. Lily looked him over, his new jacket and tie. “And already spent it on new threads.” 

“You said to dress up,” he said as they started on their salads.

Marlene whispered on her right, curious how he got an invite and she explained Slughorn’s side hustle. Mulciber was likely asking Severus the same thing, their heads bowed in discussion. Across from them, the Ravenclaw girls on either side of James were jockeying for his attention, and Slughorn was downing his first glass of brandy.

“Severus, remind me, what do your parents do? I’m not familiar with the family name ‘Snape’,” Slughorn asked, always eager to talk lineage.

“My mother went to school after you, Professor,” he said, uncomfortable with nine pairs of eyes on him. “Her name was Prince then. She doesn’t work.”

Their salads were magically replaced with the main course, a loaded plate of pasta and grilled vegetables—most of which she couldn’t identify. James’ plate was comically overflowing and he seemed a bit annoyed by it.

“And your father?” Slughorn prodded, his mouth full.

“A Muggle, originally from America,” Severus offered, his tone flattening.

Lily remembered his scar and wished she could shut Slughorn up. Ten minutes and Sev was probably already regretting coming tonight.

“A _No-maj_ , eh?” Slughorn chuckled at the American term for Muggle. “And what does he do?”

Lily cringed. 

Severus set down his fork. “He drinks,” he said loudly.

Lily’s eyes widened.

Professor Slughorn swallowed a bite—loud enough that the room heard—then recovered himself with a chuckle. “Well, I would too, were I born a Muggle. I mean, I drink anyway, what with the state of the world,” he said, his voice trailing off.

Mulciber spoke next, “I don’t know which would be worse, having a Muggle parent or an American one.” Avery laughed sycophantically next to him.

Sev’s jaw tightened, but she grabbed his hand—discreetly—under the table. His only house allies and they were pouring salt in his wounds! Maybe now he’d see that they were not to be admired.

“Oh, don’t feel sorry for Sev’s parents, I rather feel sorry for _yours_ ,” Lily jabbed.

“Did we ask for your input, Muggle-breath?” Avery said snidely, leaning forward over his plate.

A red potato smacked him upside the head from James’s direction and Slughorn averted the conversation to the recent Quidditch match. The miracle boy, James, catching the snitch to end the game in time to get everyone back before it rained.

Severus spread his fingers on his leg and she realized she was still holding his hand tightly. Rather than let go though, his fingers entwined with hers, like a thanks. Or maybe more, holding her hand secretly throughout the rest of dinner, forcing her to gladly learn to eat right-handed, as a lefty. The thrill settled into her stomach, prepared to live there forever.

When they all stood to get a nightcap and move to the couches, he dropped her hand and helped Slughorn pour drinks. He brought her and Marlene a short tumbler of something sparkling, and they sat, listening to Slughorn muse about how all three of his Gryffindors were in their fifth year. “A year for gifted witches and wizards.”

“All _kinds_ of gifts,” Severus muttered, sipping his drink and looking at James.

Something had happened, there.

“Got something to say, Snivels?” James whispered, when Slughorn was busy talking to Mulciber and Avery about their plus ones for Ostara.

“Not here, Potter,” Lily said, kicking his foot. She wondered whether James hated Severus so much because he was smarter and a Slytherin, or because he was her best friend.

“You don’t have to defend me every time,” Sev whispered in her ear.

A muscle in James’s forehead ticked at the sight of their private confidence. “I’m tired,” he said to the group, standing up.

“Stayed up late last night?” Sev asked boldly. 

Mulciber and Avery looked curiously back and forth between Severus and James.

James’ eyes flashed, but he set down his glass and stepped over the tangle of legs, walking to the door as Severus said, “Professor, when did you need more of that Wolfsbane Potion?”

James didn’t turn around, didn’t take the bait, and Lily finally thought she knew what they were on about. His theory. That Remus wasn’t _ill_ , so much as a bloodthirsty werewolf, thus the nickname ‘Moony’ and the group’s disappearance every full moon. Maybe he’d stumbled upon some additional proof, because he hadn’t talked about it in months.

Slughorn began detailing his upcoming potion needs and Severus was half-listening. Marlene slid her heels off and tucked her legs under her on the couch, whispering about how she was going to meet Sirius in Hogsmeade tomorrow and that Lily could not skip out on them this time.

Before curfew, they filed out and Severus gave her a lazy grin, walking back to the dungeons conversing easily now with the Slytherin boys. “He said I’d make a good potions master one day,” Severus said.

“What did you say?” Avery asked.

“I told him I hate kids,” Severus said, honestly.

They laughed at that, patting him on the back. Friendly. 

That worried her. Daring him to get into the Club had thrown him into the spotlight. Making money with Slughorn made him more presentable. No longer writing papers, he was their equal again. And it would be her fault if they took him under their wing and drug him back into his obsession with the dark arts.

Walking with Marlene, a mad, terrible solution struck her. If she were to slip Sev a bit of Amortentia—just once—just enough to get him over his shyness and lack of self confidence, get him to make a move...then he would date her...and the Death Eater cult wannabes wouldn’t speak to him. They’d call him a Blood Traitor. And it would solve her other problem. That she wanted him. And didn’t want to wait any longer.


	4. Dumb whores, best friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Deaf chords, dead ends  
>  Sling set can't meet their demands  
> Dumb whores, best friends  
> Infinity guitars, go 'head  
> Street wars, straight men  
> Cowboys, Indians  
> Red souls, red friends**
> 
> Infinity Guitars by Sleigh Bells
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those who are anxious for smut, I'm sorry, it's not until Ch. 6...but it's going to be delightful.

[ ](https://ibb.co/8KkCZdV)

Severus was reading a sixth year spell book in the library, copying down notes, and getting ink on his steaming cup.

Lily pretended to fish out a bag of his Earl Grey, rubbing the wet glass stopper over one of the five sachets still left in the tin.

It was Russian roulette. Sometime in the next week. A 24 hour dose, depending on how much he drank. Her heart was pounding in her throat, but she managed to look bored and fiddly, pulling out a clean one by the tab to look at it, spinning on the end of it’s string. “Hogwarts has a dozen fresh leaf teas and you’re drinking this packaged crap.”

“It’s fast,” he muttered. 

“Sure you don’t want to come to Hogsmeade?” she said, just to say something distracting as she replaced the lid. She already knew his answer.

“I don’t think I’d fit in with your...group,” he said, not masking his disdain.

“Just say it,” she said, wryly. 

“Jocks, bimbos, and skanks,” he said, without looking away from his book.

“They’re not-,” she started.

“Yes, they are. I can read their minds,” he cut her off, finishing his tea in one swallow. “I might later, but I’m going to make some truth potions while the room is free. And Slughorn gave me the key to the store cupboard,” he grinned, looking at her then.

She groaned. “So, what? You’re dealing potions now? To who? Slytherins?”

He shrugged, still pleased with himself. 

“It’s only a matter of time before Dumbledore finds out,” she warned him, standing up to go meet the girls. “I thought you didn’t want to get into trouble.”

He gave her a sideways glance, “I wondered if you remembered much of that night.”

He looked...pleased about that as well.

“See you later, maybe at The Hog’s Head?” she said, avoiding the subject. Of her touching him in the water for two hours.

He turned in his chair to watch her leave, like he was thinking about it.

She found her friends at their meeting place, the clock tower courtyard. Lily, Marlene, and Mary always dressed in sunset tones when they left the castle, just so everyone would know they were Gryffindors. These days it was important to be able to spot your allies. Because the road to Hogsmeade wasn’t the happy-go-lucky trek it used to be. Now that the Slytherins lurked on the road and used the other students as target practice.

“Let’s take the fields,” Marlene suggested. “The seventh year Slytherpricks just left.” 

The hike to Hogsmeade through the roadside forest and high grass was buggy and snakey, but preferable to the snakes who could use magic. They took their time, picking flowers for crowns and talking about Marlene’s favorite subject, the Marauders. 

“It might happen tonight,” Marlene was sighing. “God, I will let that boy do wicked things to me.”

“Ew, stop,” Lily laughed. “He’ll probably order you around like a house elf.”

“Oh, god, _yes,”_ Marlene moaned as they laughed again. “But what about _Remus_?” she said, appealing to Mary now, as she braided white clovers into her blonde hair.

Mary smiled, “I like him best of the three,” she said. None of them seemed to include Peter as a member of the Marauders. Maturity-wise, he was like a child. “He’s just very...standoffish.”

Lily was laying in the knee-high grass at her feet. “Some people like that,” she said, thinking of Sev. Neither of them had caught on about _her_ crush yet. They thought of Severus as her weird tutor, or something to that effect.

“I think we should each go steady with one, then maybe they’d tell us what they get up to,” Marlene plotted. “Mary with Remus, me with Sirius, and Lily with James.”

“Gag me,” Lily said, scathingly.

Marlene giggled. 

“You really sound like a Muggle sometimes,” Mary said, as if slang was to be avoided, having never spoken to a Muggle herself, just the Muggle-borns and Half-bloods at Hogwarts.

A twig snapped in the forest and they all went on high alert, looking around, the atmosphere immediately altered. Lily didn’t see anyone and she wondered if it was James, sneaking and following her like he’d done before. Why didn't she use _Muffliato_??

“We should have walked with the boys,” Mary whispered, pulling out her wand, just in case.

“James had Quidditch practice,” Marlene said, doing the same. “They’re meeting us there, let’s go.”

The hair on the back of Lily’s neck stood up and she grabbed for her wand, flattening herself in the grass as a spell shot over her head.

“Run!” Mary shouted, unnecessarily, as the Slytherins sprinted toward them. Mulciber, Avery, and Evan Rosier with his girlfriend, Sarah Wilkes. 

“Dibs on the Blood Traitor,” Mulciber said loudly, shooting a jinx over Lily’s shoulder at Mary—the only Pureblood in their group—as they ran, shooting spells and wards behind them without looking.

A spell hit Mary square in the back and she stopped running, the fear sliding off her face, replaced with an eerie calm. Marlene and Lily ran back and stepped in front of her, their two wands against the four older Slytherins.

They circled their quarry, already grinning in victory, and Lily noticed Mary walking away to the trunk of a tree, climbing slowly and deliberately. “Mary?” she called, but her friend didn’t answer. 

“What are you doing?” she shouted at Mulciber, his wand the one trained on her. 

His wand slid from Mary to point at Lily, as if he were innocent. “Nothing,” he said, watching her climb, propelled by some dark curse that had her obeying his command.

“Mary, come down!” Marlene screamed as their friend slid once, but caught herself, climbing higher with that glazed expression. Marlene turned to Mulciber, her face determined, “If you make her fall, I’ll _kill_ you. Bring her back down.”

“I’m not doing anything,” he lied, his heavy-lidded eyes squinting. His cronies breathed a laugh.

“You are!” Lily said, afraid to jinx him, afraid it would make Mary fall. She looked at Marlene, then flicked her eyes to Mary, telling her to be the catcher. Because she fired everything she had at Mulciber, three curses in a row as she stepped closer. He deflected each one, but didn’t see her transfigure a branch into a baseball bat and hit him across the head with a satisfying ‘thunk’.

“That Muggle enough for you?” she said to his limp form, her voice remorseless, though her hands shook on the bat.

Mary shrieked over their heads, coming to her senses and clinging for dear life to the bole of the tree. Marlene seemed satisfied she wasn’t going to fall, helping Lily back to back as they blocked and fought the three Slytherins still standing, angry now that their leader was down.

Marlene caught Sarah Wilkes right in the chest with _Petrificus Totalus_ , but then Avery got her with a Leg-locker curse. She fell hard against the roots as Lily thought-screamed, _RELASHIO_ , swinging her wand in her direction, and Marlene was on her feet again. But by then, Avery was close enough to grab Marlene's wand hand and push her to the tree, his other hand on her throat, Lily too preoccupied with Rosier to do anything about the choking sounds beside her. 

She fired nonverbal spells for offense and defense, her reactions faster than she had ever had during Defense Against The Dark Arts, adrenaline keeping her mind working, her movements liquid and confident.

_Protego. Protego. Protego. Levicorpus. Protego. Ah, fuck!_

A spell hit her in the stomach and Rosier pushed her to the ground with one foot as she writhed in pain. Electricity. Electricity was under her skin. Her teeth clenched hard but she screamed from behind them, a plea for him to stop. So much pain. So much she couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t live like that a moment longer. Let her die!

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!

A black dog leapt over her, attaching to Avery’s bony arm and ripping his shaggy head back and forth viciously until the skin shredded beneath his teeth. Through watering eyes, she watched Marlene fall to her side, coughing, as— _”Expelliarmus!”_ James disarmed Rosier and tackled him to the ground without breaking his run. She exhaled as the pain immediately lifted, the aftershocks still singeing her nerves.

“Mary!” she cried, pointing, but Remus was already climbing the tree to retrieve her. 

Peter, mousy and weak, was there too, kicking at Avery as if he couldn’t think of a spell. The dog dragged Avery across the ground, out of reach of his wand.

James lifted Rosier by the shirt, then punched him back to the grass—out cold—shaking his hand in pain, but looking excited that Lily had caught that moment.

Marlene petrified Avery, looking around—for Sirius, no doubt.

Lily caught her breath, her flower crown dangling around her neck, but the rest of her remarkably unscathed. “Thanks,” she told the boys, watching Remus gently guide Mary from branch to branch, holding her hand and making her face as red as her blouse.

“You were actually doing a decent job without us, Evans,” James said, collecting their opponents wands and breaking them over his knee, like he’d done it a thousand times. “They can afford new ones,” he said, sourly.

Remus jumped down, before lowering Mary slowly by the waist, like a knight in shining armor.

“Whose dog is that?” she said, loath to leave the safety of the tree.

“Mine,” James and Remus said simultaneously. 

“His,” James said, at the same time Remus said, “Ours.”

“Okay, never mind,” Mary said, dusting off her hands as the dog bounded back the way they had come, looking quite happy and bouncy.

“Where’s Sirius?” Marlene asked, disappointed, wishing she had her own knight.

“Meeting us at Hogsmeade,” James said, stepping over the pale, angry eyes of the petrified Roman Avery.

They walked as a group, feeling at ease again, feeling the safety in numbers, replaying the skirmish over and over as if it were hilarious, and not as frightening as it had been at the time. As if it were a game and not the shadow of reality that awaited them when they inevitably graduated. Where fights ended in broken necks instead of broken wands.

At The Hog’s Head, James bought a round of butterbeers and they claimed the biggest table, keeping their victory to themselves like a delicious secret, discussing who they thought would wake up first, Rosier or Mulciber, and if they knew the counter spells for Petrificus Totalus, because none of them could remember it. 

Sirius Black joined them when they were on their second butterbeer and they retold the entire adventure from scratch, with Marlene on his lap. By their third glass, the two were snogging and the rest of the table did their best to ignore them, and his hands pawing up her legs.

Lily felt light-headed, high on life and achievement, her friends safe and cozy with their chosen Marauders, her first real duel a success. And more students joined their table, attempting to weasel out what had happened, though they were keeping it close to the vest. Sharon, the youngest Skeeter sister, whispered in her ear that James was looking at her. Then she was pushed tightly to his side as they piled more fifth years onto the bench. 

James ruffled his hair and glanced sideways at her when she didn’t pull her arm away. Or her thigh. His eyes traced her lips, his dumb boy brain getting ideas.

Her stomach lurched and she buried her nose in her mug, swallowing deeply and thinking of Severus and his five tea bags, one of them spiked with her Amortentia. Wondering if she should stand up and get some fresh air. Or stay where she was...and throw Sev’s tea in the bin the first chance she got. Because being involved with a Muggle-born and a Gryffindor wasn't just enough to get him picked on, it was probably enough to get him hurt, especially after today...and James was so warm.

  
But then she saw him, Severus, sitting in the corner of the pub alone, already watching her, his eyes burning with jealousy, his inked fingers slowly turning a half-finished glass of butterbeer. His look said he didn’t know _why_ she had suddenly started palling around with the Marauders. Just that she was. And he hated it. 


	5. Don’t run away from me, baby

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Don’t run away from me, baby  
>  Just go away from me, babe  
> You can be my only friend  
> When you’re tied to the bed  
> We can learn how to begin  
> Take apart this verse, again  
> If you’re so good at offense  
> I can say these words again  
> If you know how to defend**
> 
> Road to Hell by Sleigh Bells
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m including the scene from Snape’s memories (Book 7) and will be bolding it so you can see what’s JK Rowling’s and what’s mine.  
> I’ll also be doing this later for the OWL’s scene and you’ll be able to tell where I’ve made any changes because they won’t be bold. Mainly I just plan to make Sev awkward instead of greasy and unwashed. And make their insults/dialogue a little less G-rated.

[ ](https://ibb.co/1zGfmmM)

“Did he tell you what happened?” James said in her ear, meaning Severus. He’d noticed him in the corner too. James was using her curiosity to start a conversation. And unfortunately, it was working. 

“What happened?”

“You know the Whomping Willow is defending a tunnel?” he said, quickly, before she changed her mind. 

She looked at his eyes to see if he was making that up. Hazel. She’d never been close enough to notice before. And if felt weird noticing now, with Sev watching, his grip tightening on his drink.

“Defending?” she said, trying not to sound too intrigued.

“Well, guarding. Something really dangerous,” he said, seriously, making sure to dissuade her from seeking out the tunnel herself. Like she would go anywhere near that tree.

“What’s it guarding?” she asked, trying not to roll her eyes when he ruffled his hair again.

“I can’t tell you. But let’s just say, I had to chase him down and catch him before he was mauled to death,” he said, looking up at Sev.

Apparently Severus realized they were talking about him, because he stood up and walked out the door in a huff. 

Lily felt horrible. She had invited him and he’d come.

“He’s so strange,” James said to himself.

Why was she sitting next to James in the first place?

“No, he’s not,” she said, bluntly, working her legs until she was able to extricate herself from the middle of the bench. She told Marlene that Severus was walking her back and caught up to him in front of Scrivenshaft’s.

“Hey,” she said, pouting her bottom lip when he looked at her. 

His mouth was tight, but he couldn’t help but smile when she threaded her arm through his, walking by his side.

“They helped us with a Slytherin problem,” she explained tersely, squeezing his arm in apology.

He bristled at that. The Marauders to the rescue.

“I still don’t like them,” she said, to correct his thinking. They turned down the road to Hogwarts, the waning sunlight flecking off pollen and dandelion fluff. The other students would be not long behind them.

She waited for him to speak, staring at the ground to avoid tripping, until he finally opened his mouth, “You know, it’s really easy to pick up on some things...with Legilimency.” It sounded like he wanted to pick a fight.

What had he read when she was at the table with James?

“Like what?” she said, innocently.

“Arousal,” he said. Deeply. Deeper than normal. Like he knew. That his voice did exactly that. Like he had seen her thoughts when James was pressed to her. And he was trying to tip the scales back toward himself.

She tried to laugh but only managed a dry swallow. “So...when I was on Amortentia, you could **—**.”

“Yeah, it was pretty obvious,” he said, almost scientifically.

She pulled her arm away and gave him a punch in its place. “Sev! Why didn’t you say anything?!”

“Like what? What would I say? Do you need a hand?” he laughed, rubbing his arm.

She hid her face in her hands, “Oh my god!”

“No, I never should have let you drink that stuff,” he said, sounding like himself again. “It’s so powerful. It’s not to be fucked around with.” 

Sev was completely unaware of what she had done. A stinging, paralyzing fear squeezed her lungs. 

She was very careful not to look in his eyes for the rest of the walk, talking aimlessly about their OWL exams.

“I need to work on my Patronus,” Sev admitted. “It’s still not fully-formed.”

“You’ve got three weeks,” Lily said, “I think it’s going to be a raven. I could see a bit last time.”

He stuffed his hands in his pockets and she took his arm again. Poor Sev. Couldn’t think of one memory happy enough to sustain a Patronus charm.

Maybe when he drank his tea, she could give him one.

  
  


\-------------------------------------------------------

  
  


On Wednesday, Professor Ashwinder was very excited to unveil Hogwarts’ new set of Vanishing Cabinets. Apparently Lily’s essay had him wanting his very own and he had ordered them on the school’s galleon. 

“Where is the other one?” James asked, pragmatically, looking at the giant, oddly-sinister cabinet.

“At my home in Kirkcudbright!” he said, removing his yellow and black velvet cape as if he were a stage magician. 

Lily raised her hand, speaking before he called on her, “But, sir, couldn’t dark wizards use the cabinets to get into the school?” Hogwarts and Hogsmeade were well protected, but something like this could open them up for invasion. She highly doubted Dumbledore knew the head of Hufflepuff House had ordered them.

Professor Ashwinder scoffed, “Naturally, as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, I have taken special precautions. Only the one who knows the password may travel, though I could take a couple of you with me if you like.” He looked beseechingly about the room, but no one stepped forward.

“Have you tried this out before?” Remus asked, skeptically, peeking through the door to the wooden platform inside.

“Nothing to fear, it came with a warranty,” he countered, climbing inside. “Welcome to the future, where everyone can finally feel safe in their own homes!” He closed the door on himself, shouting a muffled, “Back in a flash!” 

There was a shuddering pop and Sirius opened the door to find it empty. “I’ll have to get me one of these,” he said, impressed.

“No need for any of this when we could just guard our homes with a Fidelus charm,” Lily muttered. “If he liked my paper so much, he would have followed that conclusion.”

That sat in silence for a moment, staring at the closed cabinet.

“It’s taking him a long time,” James said, pulling out his wand. 

James was right. If Professor Ashwinder was just going to pop right back, he was taking his precious time about it. 

"Maybe he's grabbing a snack," someone joked.

“Should we...do something?” Marlene said, as the seconds ticked by. They couldn’t go after him, they didn’t know the password to use the thing.

“I’ll go tell Dumbledore,” Remus said dutifully, heading for the corridor.

“If he doesn’t come back, do we still have to sit for his exam?” Peter asked, hopefully.

Lily’s heart pounded as James’ eyes landed on her, laced with fear and warning. “Everyone out, I’m going to break the cabinet.”

“What?” Sirius said, “Let’s not overreact, these things are expensive.” He ran a hand over the metalwork.

“Something is wrong. And we shouldn’t compromise the castle’s security!” James said, moving a desk, as if he planned to fell the cabinet like a tree.

“He‘ll be back any second,” Sirius said, still unconcerned.

“No,” Lily said. “Potter’s right, break it. Now.” She couldn’t believe she’d said it. And neither could James, by the look on his face, but they lined up on one side and heaved together until the colossal cabinet crashed to the stone floor, jingling with fragile mechanics.

“What have you done?” Sirius laughed, but James gave her a look of thanks.

It wasn’t until the next day that Dumbledore broke the news. That Death Eaters had been lying in wait for Professor Ashwinder and tortured him to death, but inevitably failed in their attempt to gain access to the school. Either because the cabinet’s twin was destroyed, or because he had refused to give up the password.

Similar events were becoming almost common tales in the Daily Prophet. Muggles going missing. Entire wizarding families murdered in their homes. It was easy to forget it was going on when they were at school. When her family were all Muggles and no one worried about You-Know-Who, attributing disappearances to the works of unidentified gangs or serial killers.

“Fifth professor we’ve had in five years,” Sirius said, in shock at the Gryffindor table, while Marlene ran a hand through his hair absentmindedly.

Lily’s gaze sought out Severus at the Slytherin table, reading his reaction to the news. He was sitting with none other than the Death Eater wannabes that had attacked her that weekend, though he may not have heard it.

She waited for him as everyone exited the Great Hall, tugging on his sleeve, “Follow me.” She didn’t want his new _friends_ to hear the tongue lashing she was about to give him.

They didn’t speak in Potions the next day, but he still continued wordlessly fixing her ingredients when Slughorn wasn’t looking. She pretended not to notice.

In the hall at dinner, she spotted him with Mulciber and Avery again and couldn’t eat. She let him read her mind from across the room. That she was mad. How could he hang out with them after everything the Death Eaters were doing outside of school?

It was her turn to leave in a huff, but he caught up to her in the clock tower courtyard, her favorite spot to pace and get away from everyone, the gushing fountain drowning out her busy thoughts.

**“I thought we were supposed to be friends?”** Sev said, grabbing her by the arm to make her stop moving. **“Best friends?”**

**“We are, Sev, but I don’t like some of the people you’re hanging round with! I’m sorry, but I detest Avery and Mulciber!** **_Mulciber!_ ** **What do you see in him, Sev? Do you know what he tried to do to Mary Macdonald the other day?”**

**“That was nothing,”** Severus said, throwing his hands up and laughing defensively.

Lily fumed. He wasn’t even there. **“It was Dark Magic, and if you think that’s funny—.”**

**“What about all the stuff Potter and his mates get up to?”** he demanded, his tone full of resentment, and she knew he was still angry because of The Hog’s Head.

**“I know your theory,”** said Lily, blandly. “Why do you care what they do anyway?”

**“I’m just trying to show you they’re not as wonderful as everyone seems to think they are.”**

**The intensity of his gaze made her blush.**

**“They don’t use Dark Magic, though.” She dropped her voice. “And you’re being really ungrateful. I heard what happened the other night. You went sneaking down that tunnel by the Whomping Willow, and James saved you from whatever’s down there—.”**

**“Saved?”** he spat. **“You think he was playing the hero? He was saving his neck and his friends’ too!”**

She could tell he was just itching to tell her the full story, but couldn’t for whatever reason. She leaned on a pillar, reassuring him once again that she wasn’t one of the people who thought Potter and his friends were ‘wonderful’. 

“Are you still coming to Slug Club dinner tomorrow night?” she asked, by way of a truce. A polite change of topic.

“Do you even want me to?” he asked, looking at his big feet, his scuffed and faded shoes.

“Yes,” she said, reaching for his hand. He took it, stepping closer.

His ink-blackened thumb ran across the top of her hand. He’d never done that before. It felt...different.

He was going to kiss her! Now? After their professor just died?

Sev stepped right up to her, his face close, close enough that she could count every eyelash. Her back pressed to the pillar, damp and mossy. Sev was reading her and she could tell. She wondered if he could read anything but utter fear and inexperience.

He licked his lips and leaned, but there was a torrent of water, like a bucket had been dumped over their heads. Water from the fountain had been magicked in their direction. Sev gasped at the cold and she looked around for any signs of him, already knowing the culprit. 

“What the hell?” Severus said, pushing her inside where it was safe. 

_Potter_ , she thought, disappointed and...flattered...at the same time.


	6. I want to fucking tear you apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **I want to hold you close  
>  Skin pressed against me tight  
> Lie still, close your eyes girl  
> So lovely, it feels so right  
> I want to hold you close  
> Soft breasts, beating heart  
> As I whisper in your ear  
> I want to fucking tear you apart**
> 
> Tear You Apart by She Wants Revenge
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trigger warning* Dubious dubious dubious consent consent consent on everyone's side, the whole castle. everyone.

[ ](https://ibb.co/dcNhj0d)

On Thursday before dinner, Mary found her in the library, mulling over two lengthy homework assignments.

“Hey, you know that Snape kid, right?” she said, flipping a blonde braid over her shoulder.

Lily put her quill back in the ink well. “Yeah, why?”

“He’s having a panic attack in the hidden stairway. He cursed me out just now,” she said, pointing a thumb toward the corridor.

“Okay, thanks for telling me,” Lily said, leaving her books and everything where they were. She ran up a still-moving staircase to the second floor, racing to the tapestry with the hidden stairwell, a literal right of passage for fourth years and older.

“Sev?” she called, almost toppling over him halfway up, sitting in the dark.

“Sev! What’s wrong?” she said, feeling his face, burning up with fever. How was she going to get him to the hospital wing? He was too big to move.

“I think I messed up,” he said, sounding croaky.

“What? Did Dumbledore catch you selling potions?” she asked quietly, standing with her hands on his knees. Oh, no. What if he was expelled?

“No, I think...maybe doing three cauldrons at once...maybe the fumes…”

Lily froze. 

“Maybe...maybe I need a Sleeping Draught,” he said, his teeth clenching. 

She remembered what it felt like. The Amortentia. Every cell in her body full of ache, her brain trying to dowse a billion tiny fires. She debated on telling him what she’d done. She hadn’t meant for it to hit him so hard.

“Hey,” she said, looking around for an idea. “You can’t stay here, someone’s going to come.”

“Lily,” he said, his head in his hands. And she could _hear_ the need. 

“Hey, look at me,” she said, “You’re fine, it—it’ll be fine.” She wasn’t a Legillimens, but she could tell his eyes were begging her, his hands gripping the seams of his trousers in restraint.

So she kissed him, and he let go.

“Oh, fuck. Thank you,” he groaned into her mouth, his hands moving her head back and forth, his hot tongue tasting her harshly. 

She forgot to breathe, forgot to keep her balance as he pulled her into his lap, her knees hitting the cold stone on either side of him.

He twisted her to the stairs under him and pressed his hard length into her.

“Ah, Sev,” she said, when his mouth moved to her neck. “Not here,” she managed to say. Not here! 

But he was already unbuttoning his trousers with one hand and ripping her panties down with the other. Too fast. Too much. Marlene and Sirius hadn’t even gone this far!

“Sev,” she said, trying to snap him back to reality, but he’d pulled himself out already, pushing himself between her legs, his tip rubbing her at the apex of her thighs. Oh. Fuck.

_“Muffliato,”_ she said twice, grabbing her wand and hitting the tapestries at either end. “Ah!” she screamed as he pressed into her, groaning into her chest, half wild, tearing her hair back to smother her neck with his mouth, eating her alive, pumping into her, burning and raw, the stairs cutting bruises into her back.

Shit! Shit! Shit! She cringed, feeling nothing but the hurt, his size, the stretch, his teeth on her shoulder. His hand groped her breast through her shirt and the added weight of his body felt like he was going to break her.

He made a noise in her ear. “You’re so wet,” he said crudely, almost to himself, as if he were having a private moment and she was the bystander, watching him enjoy her body.

And that’s all it took, his voice.

The burning felt good, his hips curving and pounding into her thighs, and her hand clenched around her wand. She arched her back to give her spine some relief and he wrapped an arm underneath her, exhaling a hot breath in her face. 

“You feel so _good_ ,” he said, in that throaty voice. It felt like an apology, like he wasn’t going to last long. 

Normal, his first time, right? Especially on Amortentia. Where was he going to finish? Wasn’t Marlene talking about a potion that prevented pregnancy the other day? 

“Fuck,” he said, inhaling sharply, swallowing air and looking down at where they were joined, “fuck.”

He came inside her, deep and hot, pulling out, his length leaving a wet trail down her thigh. “Did I just?” he asked, as if she would know better.

“Yeah, that’s okay,” she said, glad he was done, because it was rough and a little scary, not like him at all. Unfortunately, she felt her need too, as he kissed her again, still out, grasping at her hip and arse.

He looked into her eyes, trying to breathe evenly, reading her. “You didn’t?” he asked, embarrassed, running his hand through his sweaty hair.

No, but she had enjoyed it, she thought, feeling swollen and squirmy under him, his cock heavy against her damp thigh.

He blinked once, then bit his lip, his hand stroking himself, hard as a rock again.

“Wait,” she tried to say, before he thrust inside her again, making a mess on the stairs.

“You will, you will this time,” he said in her ear, pumping into her, the burning already worse. She wasn’t sure whose pleasure he was chasing, his or hers, but he pushed her shirt up, sucking on her tit. Hard. And she felt it, like her own Amortentia, building, clouding, clawing up his back like a cat, like her Patronus.

She keened and his slick hand covered her mouth, even though she’d soundproofed the staircase. She bit at his fingers, sucked his salty middle finger into her mouth and lifted her hips into his assault.

He bit her, that soft muscle between her neck and shoulder, rolling his hips as if feeling her from the inside, and she came, toes curling in her shoes, back arching, his fingertips digging into her hip, into her tongue and jaw. There was no way his felt better than hers. Even on the potion, nothing could feel as good as hers, still coursing through her thighs, leaving her gasping and clenching around him as he railed her into the steps.

Sev jerked, exhaled a groan into her hair, and filled her again. He held the stairs on either side of her head, not needing to look at her to see if she had finished, because it was written all over her face, her body pink and bruised, trembling, and soaking wet beneath her skirt.

She wondered how much he’d drank. How long he’d tried to fight it before she found him. She wondered if she should tell him what she’d done.

“One more time,” he said, hard again, but she sat up quickly.

“No, Sev, seriously,” she laughed, already looking destroyed, her clothes half off, his come...everywhere.

But he grabbed her throat and growled, “I wasn’t asking,” laying her back down.

Oh my god.

Her thrill settled in, lower than her stomach, and she closed her eyes and let him tear through her clothes.

————————————————

Lily finally managed to get out from under him, when he was panting and spent. Her back hurt in two places—from the stone stairs—and she had to Scourgify their clothes and bodies. Her legs and arms were shaky from unused muscles. But she felt the real difference when she stood up. Sore. The fucking size of him.

“Sev, come with me, to the boathouse,” she said, taking his hand and leading him down the stairs. She needed to sober him up, before he got the energy again.

They snuck down to the first floor and he followed her silently, sighing when the cold night air hit them. The stairs were slippery from a recent rain, but they made it down unnoticed, despite Severus falling into her twice.

“You first,” Lily said on the dock, pulling his wand out of his pocket and laying it safely on the dock next to hers.

“Okay,” he said, watching her pretend to unbutton her shirt, pulling at one of his shoes, then stumbling sideways off the dock. His splash was so loud, she worried the whole castle heard it.

Lily waited, watching the bubbles where he had landed, worried when he didn’t immediately resurface. “Sev?” Christ, was he drowning?

“Sev!” she said, running to the edge of the dock.

But he stood up slowly, wiped his face once, and stared at the water in mortification. 

“Feeling...normaler?” she said, stupidly.

He was shaking his head, still not looking at her, likely replaying the last hour of shameless debauchery.

“Why…” he started and she tensed. Why did she slip him Amortentia? Why didn’t she tell him?

“Why did you let me do all that?” he said, unmoving, looking up at her with great discomfort.

Lily smiled, sitting on the edge of the dock, “Because, Sev. My Amortentia smells like you.”

He relaxed a little and took a step closer, his humiliation turning into a smirk. “Mine smells like you too,” he said quietly.

She grinned wider, dipping a toe in the water. “What’s it smell like?”

He reached up to the dock, took her by the waist, and lowered her slowly into the cold water. Her skirt fanned across the surface, then sank as she kicked once, closer to him.

“Gingerbread,” he said, tucking her hair behind her ear, “heather,” into her neck, “and daylilies.” He spread her legs to straddle him underwater, then kissed her gently, his lips still warm with fever.


	7. It's just a little white lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **If we can make it through another day  
>  With you believing in my innocence  
> And we can make it through another year  
> 'Cause we both need it to forget this fear  
> If it's all the same to you  
> Then it's just a little white lie  
> Then it's all the same to me  
> And it's just a little white lie**
> 
> White Lie by The Lumineers
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/FJdffrG)   
  


Lily smirked at Severus from across the table—impossible not to—because he was trying so hard not to smile.

Their secret felt inappropriate, what with Slughorn telling them stories of a young Professor Ashwinder. “He was a true Hufflepuff. Loyal to the school and the students...till the end,” he said, drunker than she’d ever seen him.

“Do you want us to call it an early night, Professor?” James asked, the only one who seemed concerned that their teacher was about to go face-down in a plate of uneaten food.

“No, not on account of me, dear boy. I brought you a treat, to take your minds off this sad business,” he said, still trying to be the life of the party, digging in the pockets of his robes. “See, here. Veritaserum. When we were young, we used to play that game...you know the one. Questions and you have to answer…”

“My parents called it the Candor Contest,” one of the Ravenclaw girls said, staring at the bottle, as tall as a finger, as fat as a marble at the bottom, and full of clear liquid, like water.

“That’s it,” Slughorn said, pointing at her, his depth perception off, his finger poking her in the head. “And fifty points to the house that lasts the longest. Because we need a bit more comradery these days.”

Everyone at the table stiffened. Fifty points. With two weeks of school left and each House in a close tie. Lily, James, and Marlene looked at each other, in agreement. They weren’t going to let Slytherin get fifty points. It would be their fault if they lost the House Cup.

They moved to the couches for their usual nightcap and Sev slid a finger over her hand in passing, making drinks and putting one drop in each glass. Slughorn passed out in his great armchair, leaving them to make up their own rules. One question. No follow ups. And as soon as a member of a House fails to answer, their House was out. 

“What do we do if we don’t want to answer?” Sev asked, but Mulciber hit him across the back of the head. Not an option apparently.

“Then I suggest you leave the room in a hurry,” Lily said, worried too. Because they had a fresh secret, one that would warrant him a worse beating from the Slytherins than a smack on the head. They had agreed to keep quiet, what with the pureblood supremacist tensions, for both their sakes. In two weeks, it would be summer vacation and no one would know they were together. Except maybe Petunia.

“Let’s start with you, Muggle-spawn,” Mulciber said, watching her take a sip of her spiked white wine. She could feel the payback coming. For the bruise and swelling on his face from above his ear to his cheekbone. Kind of cylindrical, like a baseball bat.

“What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” he sneered.

The words branded themselves into her tongue, across her eyelids. Oxygen stopped flowing to her lungs and there was an invisible fist, plucking the words from her brain and tossing them out her mouth before she could stop them, “I gave SSSSSssssssomeone a love potion!”

Oh god. At least she didn’t say ‘Severus’, but now _he_ knew. She didn’t look at him, afraid to give it away. Her face turned bright red and she buried her face in her knees as everyone laughed. At least she didn’t say ‘at school’. So they couldn’t expel her.

No follow up questions. No follow up questions. Marlene threw an arm around her in solidarity.

“Your turn,” James said, but he was looking at Sev. “Snivellus, what’s a lie you told recently?” Lily got the feeling he was searching for something he had said to _her_ recently. Maybe about his growing relationship with the Death Eaters? Maybe James knew he was dealing potions…

Sev made a noise, trying to stop it coming out, but Avery punched him in the back. “I can’t smell anything. I have Anosmia.”

Everyone laughed at that, even James. Lily smiled, but then her face fell. Anything? Not even Amortentia? Had he...copied what James had said in class? 

She finally looked at him, her eyes watering a little. Because she had just admitted that she liked him enough to sneak him a love potion. And he had lied. James didn’t even realize he’d struck gold with that question, shattered her faith in Sev entirely.

Sev’s eyes bored into hers but she looked away as the game continued. Ravenclaw lost, a boy running from the room. Then a Hufflepuff girl refused to go at all. 

“Your turn, Spectacles,” Avery said to James. “What’s a secret about you nobody here knows?”

James slammed a hand over his mouth, but then looked at Lily and Marlene, as if they and his House depended on it. “I’m an Animagus!” he said, mouthing ‘fuck’ as Mulciber and Avery’s eyes widened. 

Animagi usually kept their animal form a secret. Half the advantage in all that work in honing that skill was the ability to go unnoticed. He was such a braggart, it was amazing he’d lasted this many years without telling the whole school what he could do. And...kind of impressive that he was one. So young.

Lily threw one at Slytherin, “Mulciber, have you ever performed an Unforgivable Curse?” She suspected he had, with Mary. Imperio. Bad enough to be expelled. Or thrown in Azkaban. Even Rosier might have used one on her. Hard to tell when they were nonverbal spells.

He glared at her, knowing he couldn’t admit to it. Then he stood and ran out of the room. Sev looked murderous at the three Gryffindors as they stood up and tossed the contents of their drinks in the fire, done with candor for the night. The hissing sizzle woke Professor Slughorn. 

“What say? Who’s it to be then?” he asked, looking around at everyone’s faces, disappointed he’d missed it.

“Gryffindor,” the Hufflepuff girl said, nonplussed.

“Ah, not Huffepuff, known for their honesty?” he teased.

“It’s late,” Marlene said, looking relieved she hadn’t had to answer a question. 

“Well, take your fifty points and tell your House you’ve had a very good night,” Slughorn declared, watching them all douse the fire with their drinks and make their way out.

Sev looked like he was dying to talk to her, but she kept James and Marlene on either side of her as they went the other direction, toward Gryffindor tower. 

“What kind of animal?” Lily asked James, as they walked up the stairs, forgetting that he was still on the potion.

“Stag,” he blurted. “Fuck, Evans, no more questions,” he laughed. 

She smiled, that feeling of a Gryffindor victory back. Warm. Cozy. And familiar.

“What’s a stag?” Marlene asked, like it was some magical creature she wasn’t familiar with.

“It’s a deer,” Lily said, happy to keep the topic off of her. And who she had given a love potion to. Though—by the way James was chewing his lip—she thought maybe he knew. That it was Sev and it had been that week.

\---------------------------------------

Sev found her in the courtyard on Sunday, pulling her around to the side between the stone wall and the forest where they couldn’t be seen. 

“I didn’t want you to think I didn’t love you,” he said quickly, as if he’d been repeating those words to himself all night.

He whipped his wand out and she crossed her arms. _“Expecto Patronum,”_ he said, a blue-white light erupting from his wand, spiraling and gamboling through the air, a fully-formed tomcat, like her Patronus, though bigger and male. “When you...like someone, it’s the same sometimes,” he said, watching it. 

“When did you start making a full Patronus?” she asked as the cat prowled around her in the grass, rubbed against her leg.

“Last year,” he admitted. He’d been hiding that too. He’d liked her for a while then.

She took his hand in apology. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know what Amortentia smelled like. 

Sev tucked his wand away and the cat disappeared. “I’ve liked you since before I met you,” he said, as if he’d read her thoughts. “I saw you. Flying off the swings. Playing with flowers. And I just knew. So please don’t be mad at me. And I won’t be mad at you.” He looked tired, like he hadn’t slept a wink. 

A group of students went by on the other side of the wall and they hid on either side of an arched window. She made eye contact, inviting him in. Telling him that he was all she thought about. When she was little. Now. When she was alone. 

In her bedroom.

He exhaled, unblinking, and she pulled him to her by the shirt, kissing him harder than he had the night before. Because he loved her and she loved him and maybe no one could know. But at least they did.


	8. Smoke and mirrors playing your wit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The crow, the cat, the bird and the bee  
>  I'm sure they would agree  
> That my one is falling for tricks  
> Smoke and mirrors playing your wit  
> A hue and cry waiting to blow  
> Under your skin, wherever you go  
> Still I wish that I knew  
> The taste of something that good**
> 
> Smoke and Mirrors by Agnes Obel
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/34S1WV1)   
  


“How many of these have you sold?” Lily asked, sitting on the desk of the potions room on Monday after dinner. There were six more ‘kits’ ready, each with a dozen potions, neatly labeled. Sev had disguised them as potion ingredient boxes.

“Don’t change the subject,” he said, grinding something bright red with a mortar and pestle that looked too small in his hands. “What do I smell like?” he laughed at the absurdity of the question.

“It’s weird,” Lily said to the dungeon ceiling. “They’re very specific and I feel stalkery telling you,” she said, swinging her feet.

“More stalkery than spiking my tea?” he joked, dumping the entire mortar in the cauldron without looking.

Lily rolled her eyes, “Guess not. You smell like...that citrusy scent from Earl Grey,” she said, pretending like she hadn’t looked it up. “And the wood from the Slytherin common room, and—.”

“How do you know what that smells like?” he said, dusting his hands off on his trousers.

“All you Slytherins have that smell. And I asked Professor Slughorn one time what the common room looks like and he mentioned the teak wood.”

“Bit stalkery,” he grinned. “And the last one?”

“Walnut ink,” she said, deciding to drop the act. She knew exactly which ink he used. 

He looked down at his fingers, the stain up to his knuckle on his middle finger. The one she’d sucked on.

“Your pupils are big,” he observed, as if she should know what that means. But she did, because he said it in that deep voice that made her legs stop swinging. “You have...the greenest eyes.”

She scrunched her nose, not used to compliments from him yet.

“This needs time,” he said, jerking his head to the cauldron, something on Slughorn’s list. “Come with me. Unless you want to go hang with your friends?”

And watch the Gryffindor Quidditch team practice? Boring. “No, I’ll come,” she said nervously. It felt like they were back to their pre-potion selves. Sort of...tentative.

He took her hand and she followed him up the staircase, then waited for him to walk a few paces, before following him through the corridors and up two more staircases. He ‘Alohamora’d’ a large, wooden door that creaked on its hinges, ushering her inside where he had six more cauldrons brewing on the floor. _His_ side hustle.

“I can see why you thought it was the fumes,” she said, the ground shin-deep with white fog.

“Yeah, no one ever comes in here, it’s perfect, just lacks ventilation,” he said, walking to a window to open it to the wet night air.

“You know, Slughorn is just using you for your skills,” Lily said, lighting a lantern on the ground. “You really don’t need him.” Sev could make gold selling to reputable sources.

“He’s smart about it. He’s been doing this for years,” Sev said. “And I can’t afford the ingredients myself yet.”

“I worry you’re providing an arsenal for the people who hate me the most. People who think I’m the enemy,” Lily said honestly. She didn’t want to keep bringing up the topic. But he wasn’t changing. She had seen him at breakfast with them again.

“I was just helping them get ready for their N.E.W.T.S,” Sev said, replying to her thoughts. She was starting to get used to it. 

Lily walked the line of simmering cauldrons, looking about the room, full of furniture—all covered in dust sheets. Like a room full of ghosts. She pulled one off of an ornate mirror, shaking it out before laying it on the floor.

She sat down in the middle, watching him coming closer, checking the state of the potions, before sliding to his knees and crawling up to her, looking a bit like his tomcat Patronus. 

“I made this for you,” he said, holding up a blue vial. “You have to take the whole thing,” he instructed her as she sniffed it once. “It’ll protect from last time,” he said, sheepishly, the rough boy from the stairs buried deep.

Oh. _Right._ She downed it, choking on the taste of spearmint and alcohol. “Tastes like mouthwash.”

  
  
Sev kissed her lips, cooled by the potion, and laid her back on the sheet, down into the mist. “We don’t have to do anything,” he said, playing the gentleman. 

“Don’t bother,” she grinned. “I know you can read my mind.” Full of dirty thoughts, his for the taking. 

“You don’t think this is too fast?” he asked, and she could tell he was afraid that they were making a mistake, that they could ruin it.

“Just kiss me. And see where it goes,” she said, coyly, unbuckling his belt.

They opened their mouths wider, closed their eyes harder, their hands turning to fists on each other’s clothes. She tugged at his shirt and he raised himself up to pull it over his head, glancing self consciously at his scar in the mirror. “Jesus fuck,” he said, falling backwards. 

Lily sat up and spun around to look at the mirror too. “What?”

“I see us in it, but we're standing,” he said, pulling her to her feet.

“Oh, wow,” she said, stepping closer. Her and Sev, but he had a white shirt and black vest on in the mirror, his hair tamed and out of his face, standing a little straighter. And she looked completely different than her current state. Her hair was braided and she was in Marlene’s blue dress, the one with dark blue embroidery. “What is this?” Lily said, tapping the glass, her twin copying.

“I think I’ve heard about this. There was a cave full of mirrors and Dumbledore brought back some for research,” he said, tracing a finger over the inscription on the arched gold frame. “That’s not a language.”

Lily read it twice before reading it backwards, the way it would look in a mirror, “I show not your face, but your heart's desire.”

Sev smiled, pulling her in front of him and wrapping an arm across her chest. “We see the same thing.”

“Yeah, but it looks like we’re dressed up for Ostara or some—,” Lily paused, glancing behind her to make sure what she was seeing was in fact just the mirror playing tricks.

“What?” Sev asked, looking behind them.

“Thought I heard something,” she lied, avoiding his eyes.

“Just the potions bubbling,” he said. “The door’s locked.”

She turned back to the mirror, at James Potter on one side and Sev on the other, hunching down to kiss her neck. His hands enfolded her possessively, pulling her tight against him. And James watched, staring straight ahead. Looking as if his heart were breaking.

Sev’s right hand ran over her breast, a test. When she didn’t object, he returned the hand, kneading her there, the other pressing down her stomach, over her clothes to her skirt, gripping her there too, his body hardening behind her.

James just looked on, his mouth parted slightly, only two steps away. 

Sev didn’t understand her fascination with the mirror, pushing her closer to it through the fog until she was pressed against it, flushed at her own realization. It was cold, growing damp from the cauldrons, but opening her eyes, she was against James’ chest while Sev lifted her skirt from behind, his hand sliding into her panties.

His long fingers found her entrance, pumping into her from behind, until she was moaning into the mirror, fogging it more with her breath, coming on his hand at the stinging friction, screaming with euphoria and confusion. 

He pulled himself out, pushing into her, her panties down to her thighs. She whimpered at the feel of him, cursing into her arm under a curtain of her hair. The boy from the stairs was back, hips hitting her hard, hard enough for her hand to slide across the fogged mirror. 

She didn’t know who she felt more sorry for. Sev for not knowing about the mirror and her tangled heart. Mirror James for putting his hand up as if to touch hers, flattening it out from the other side. Or herself. For being caught in the middle of two desires, two very different men. 

\----------------------------------------

When she snuck back into the Gryffindor common room, Marlene was waiting by the fire with a mischievous grin. “You have to tell me who he is, the suspense is killing me,” she said, pulling her down on a floor cushion where they could whisper, unheard by the dozen other students lounging about with books and pet cats and toads.

“Have you even being going to the library? This whole time, for years, I’m sitting here thinking you were reading in the stacks, not love potioning some guy and—.”

“Marlene!” Lily cut her off. “I did it a long time ago and it didn’t work out,” she lied. “I really have been going to the library. We have O.W.L.’s next week.”

Sirius jumped over the couch and landed behind Marlene, stretching his legs out and leaning her back against his chest. She gave Lily a look of pure delight, the face of a crush fulfilled, but not quite attained.

Peter and Remus took up their usual spots on the couch and James sat down on the chair at her back, sending a traitorous shiver up her spine at the close proximity. She braided her hair for bed while they talked of Quidditch pitch conditions and weather, then James asked Lily if she was bringing a plus one to Ostara on Saturday.

Lily’s eyes landed on Mary, leaning over the armrest to whisper to Remus. “I could bring Remus and you could bring Mary,” she suggested. That way Marlene could bring Sirius and they could all go.

“Really?” Mary said, lighting up. 

“Who’s Snivellus going to go with, then?” he whispered in her ear so no one could hear. His accusation. Her real love potion recipient.

Her blood boiled. “Maybe he’ll go _stag_ ,” she said, a threat to shut him up.

He scoffed, pulling her braid playfully. Her fickle thrill spiked in her stomach and she stared into the fire, angry at herself. For that part of her that was supposed to be all for Severus. She’d never be able to look him in the eye again for fear he’d read her. 

James’ leg grazed her arm. She swallowed and leaned back on the chair, her focus on the tickle of fabric and the scent of his boots. Like grass and mud and musk. Like one of the red deer that grazed the fields near Hogsmeade. 

“I’m really tired,” she told Marlene, retiring early to the girl’s dormitory. Five beds with curtains surrounded the fire grate in the middle of the room. 

Only two weeks until summer, then she’d be away from any temptations. It would just be her and Sev, hanging by the river like old times. Maybe she could bring him home to meet her parents, keep him away from his awful father for longer.

She changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed, feeling proud of herself. All it would take was a little self control. The vial of Amortentia shined at her from her cluttered nightstand. And there, next to it, a vase of daylilies she had magicked to stay like new. She turned to her other side. And let them wither.


	9. Beat the ones who love me the best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Beat my bra  
>  Beat my chest  
> Beat the ones who love me the best  
> Oh how could they be liars  
> They are surely health, life, and fire  
> Oh no how can you stand it  
> When I run when I run  
> Like a bandit**
> 
> Beat (Health, Life, and Fire)
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/TPrQ35y)   
  


By Thursday, she had decided on a routine with Sev. She’d go to class, pass him in the halls with a smirk, and meet him at the mirror room for an hour of secret, misty satisfaction before dinner. 

The only problem was, the blue potion she drank at night was starting to make her feel weak. After every draught, she could barely walk up a flight of stairs. And that’s where James found her, sitting on a staircase on her way back to the Gryffindor common room.

“Lily?” he said, not using her family name for once. The whole thing reminded her of when she found Sev on the staircase. James even pressed a hand to her forehead before she could think of some excuse. James though, he had no issue picking her up. “Hospital wing,” he muttered.

“No, take me to bed, then go tell Severus. It’s his potion,” she said. He’d know what to do without getting the teachers involved.

“He gave you something?” he asked, sounding irate. “We’re not supposed to brew anything unless we’re in class.”

“Like you follow all the rules,” she said sarcastically, wishing literally anyone else had found her on the steps. Even Mulciber. James always seemed to know right where she was.

He adjusted his grip on her legs and ribs, setting off her thrill, before carrying her up the last flight as if she weighed nothing. Instead of taking her to the Gryffindor tower, however, he stepped into one of the empty study rooms, setting her down on a couch. “Eat this,” he said, pulling half a block of chocolate out of his bag.

She must have looked at him like he was crazy because he laughed and said, “Trust me.”

She took a square and chewed, the sweet, bitter flavor melting on the roof of her mouth. She swallowed and felt herself sit up a little straighter.

“What potion did he give you?” James asked, smiling smugly, like he could tell his chocolate had worked, made her feel more like morning and less like midnight.

“It’s blue, and tastes like spearmint. I don’t know. But I have to take it,” she said, eating another square.

James frowned. “Bright blue?” His voice had changed and that look played across his face. The one she saw every night in the mirror. Like she was twisting his heart in her hands.

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s just...for when you forget to use the other one. I think, I mean, I haven’t needed to deal with all this yet. But Sirius talks about it. And I think the potion you’re supposed to be taking is yellow,” James said, sitting next to her.

It was strange. James being the only one who knew. Other than Sev. 

“Okay. I’ll tell him,” she said. “Are Sirius and Marlene getting close to...you know?”

Marlene couldn’t wait. She thought maybe Sirius was stalling for Ostara Saturday, to make it special.

“No, I don’t think so. I think he wants to wait till they’re a little older. Maybe next year,” James said, reaching up to ruffle his hair, but then only scratching the back of his head.

“Poor Marlene,” she said aloud.

James laughed, helping her to stand. She really did feel better. Back to normal. Except for the feel of James’s hands around hers. They walked in silence to the common room, where she went to bed with a furtive glance in place of a thank you.

———————————

The next day, she unlocked the mirror room after class, only to find it empty. The floors were mist-free and swept, the mirror re-covered. 

“Oh, fuck,” she said, locking the door and running down to the potion room in the dungeon. The ‘kits’ Sev had made were gone from where he’d stashed them in the cupboard.

She ran back towards the door, crashing into something invisible and solid. James fell out of thin air into a desk.

“Potter!” she screamed, holding her elbow in pain. Where did he come from? 

“I was just making sure you were okay,” he said, gathering a silky cloak and stuffing it into his satchel. As the fabric ran over his legs, they completely disappeared.

“That’s how you’ve been doing it,” she said, angrily, refusing his hand and standing up on her own. He had a cloak of invisibility. “Did you-Did you tell Dumbledore Sev was brewing potions outside of class?” She could have hit him.

“No! I swear!” he said, sincerely. “I just saw you running and I didn’t know why—.”

“I have to go find Sev,” she said, pushing past him and running up the stairs.

“I can find him for you!” James said when she was halfway to the first floor corridor.

She stopped, considering him. “You hate him, why would you help me?” she asked, suspiciously.

“Just promise to keep the cloak a secret and I’ll tell you where he is,” he offered, pulling a folded piece of old parchment out of his satchel.

He tapped it with his wand, muttering “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good,” and it flooded with ink, branching and drawing itself into a map of the school and grounds.

She stepped closer, seeing hundreds of names. Students and teachers, some moving, but most congregated in the Great Hall for dinner, where she was going to look first.

“He’s in the clock tower courtyard,” James said, pointing to the name Severus Snape.

Lily didn’t have the heart to tell him to 'get lost' after that, racing to the courtyard with him on her heels. 

“Wait,” he whispered, grabbing her around the waist when she was almost outside. He pulled her to the wall and pointed. “He’s in detention with Filch.”

“Fuck,” she breathed, seeing Sev scrubbing the flagstones by hand, down on all fours, while Filch whistled and picked his teeth. She wondered how bad his punishment was.

“I could...use some more help,” Lily said, the words like acid on her tongue. James and his friends were constantly escaping detention.

“It’ll cost you,” James said, grinning like a bandit. 

“ _What’ll_ it cost me?” she said, attempting to trample the thrill rising in her chest.

He tossed his cloak over both of them when footsteps approached—just Hagrid, heading back to the gamekeeper hut.

James’s face was so close she was breathing the same air. “Let _me_ take you out on a date sometime?”

“You know I’m with Sev!” she hissed.

“Hey, you’re not married,” he said, using a different voice this time. One she’d never heard him use before. The thrill jumped to her throat, choking her words that would have put him in his place. His place being...not even her friend. Just an annoying boy in her year. With annoying hazel eyes and a treasure trove of hidden gifts and tricks.

“No,” she said, but it came out unsure. Because he was looking at her mouth, his hands on either arm.

“How about one kiss?” he said, so softly she wasn’t sure she heard him right.

She shook her head slowly, forgetting why she was bargaining with him in the first place.

He leaned into her anyway, his lips touching hers for the briefest second. Thrill.

But then her fist caught him in the stomach and she pushed him into the wall. “Enough games, help me get him out,” she growled, her face reddening with lust and anger and embarrassment.

James was smiling like the punch was worth it, dragging her back to the Great Hall where they loaded a plate with food and then returned to their hiding spot inside the door of the clock tower. He pulled the cloak off of them and she held the plate as he dumped a copious seasoning of Sleeping Draught over the whole thing. “He’s becoming immune, so, takes a lot,” James explained.

Lily walked the steaming plate outside, ignoring Sev as he looked up from his scouring and delivered the plate to a surprised Argus Filch. “Professor Slughorn asked me to bring this,” she said, sounding bored.

He took the plate, eyeing it greedily, and she turned on her heel to give Sev a wink, before meadering back inside.

James was gone, even though she waved her arms around, feeling a little more than silly. But maybe he saw the wink and didn’t want to stick around while she reunited with Severus.

She heard a clatter and peeked out to see Sev taking his wand out of Filch’s pocket, sprawled out on the ground. He Scourgified the flagstones of dirt and filth and food until they were a pristine grey, then ran in her direction. She popped out of her hiding spot, grabbing him by the hand and pulling him back outside, down the hill to the boathouse where she put up wards and Muffliato. 

They kissed, ripping at their clothes, high on their illicit jailbreak. “How bad is it? Just detention?” she asked, surmising as much by his smile. He wouldn’t smile if he was expelled.

“Yeah, actually Dumbledore was kind of astonished when he saw all of the advanced potions I was making,” he said, reassuring her. And bragging.

“How did he find out?” she asked, still wondering if it was James who snitched.

“Saw the fumes going out the window,” Sev said, biting her lip and picking her up to slam her into the wall.

He ground himself into her, talking over, neither making a sound until they were half dressed and sweating, clawing and peeling out cries of pain and pleasure, the boathouse so much cooler than the mirror room.

Sev laid her on the deck, moaning his need into her ear, pouring into her with an erratic snap of his hips. He lay on top of her, his cheek on her breast, before picking her up with a grin and jumping into the water.

It felt so good, after. Reinvigorating. A bit like when she took a bite of chocolate. Lily cringed at her lack of self restraint. She hadn't lasted three days.

She lay back and floated, averting her eyes from Sev as he watched her. Because she was brimming with secrets now and his deep brown eyes were the Veritaserum. She longed to look at them, tell if he was sad or happy. Content or calculating. But she closed her eyes, savoring the moment of being his, weightless and young, glad his potion-making was at an end.


	10. Goodness strikes maybe once, maybe twice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **She is dancing away from you now  
>  She was just a witch  
> She was just a witch  
> And her memory is all that is left for you now  
> You see your gypsy  
> You see your gypsy  
> Goodness strikes  
> Maybe once, maybe twice  
> And it all comes down to you**
> 
> Gypsy by Gardens & Villa (Fleetwood Mac cover)
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m getting a lot of love for Sev and Lily, and a lot of hate for James in the comments. Please let me tell their tangled love story without hate at my James character. I’m sticking to canon and James is not the villain, he’s just as adorable as Sev. (This is not Lily/Sev HEA, as the tags said.) This is Lily’s bittersweet love triangle story, so...just enjoy the sadness.

[ ](https://ibb.co/T8grJ8Y)

“Wow,” Mary said, her mouth open. “Is it always like this?” she whispered to James. 

Slughorn’s study had been transformed, the vaulted ceilings hidden behind layers of midnight blue gauze, draped like a tent with giant glass orbs floating in patterns like lazy bubbles, reflecting the lights.

“No, it’s definitely not usually like this,” Marlene answered for him, squeezing Sirius’ arm. 

The table and chairs had been replaced with oversized cushions and rugs, and where there usually sat two couches in front of the fire, was a wooden platform for dancing. The walls were hidden by more tented gauze, and in the corner sat a heavily-tattooed woman at a table.

“Snivellus, I found your date,” Sirius joked and Lily spun around to see Sev scowling in the doorway, looking remarkably like his reflection in the mirror of desire. He shrugged his jacket off for Slughorn, wearing the black vest over a white shirt, just like she had seen. And she must look like her reflection, because she was in Marlene’s blue dress, her long hair loosely braided down her back.

“A fortune teller! Come on, Sirius,” Marlene gasped, yanking him by the arm towards the woman in the corner.

Remus looked half frozen, staring at Mary in all of her finery, her golden curls and pale blue dress.

“Get her a drink,” Lily suggested, and he exhaled a ‘good idea’ and made for the closest attendant with a tray, likely a fourth year with high hopes of joining the club one day.

“Do you want one?” James asked her, but she shook her head, Sev was already on it. 

“Bit obvious, getting just me a drink, isn’t it?” Lily grinned, taking it from him as James stalked away to the fortune teller with Sirius.

“Well, Mulciber’s not here yet. And your friends are too dumb to put two and two together.”

“They still think you’re my tutor,” Lily admitted. “Except for James, he knows.” 

Sev choked on his champagne. “What? How?” he whispered over the music.

She was forced to explain. How Sev had been giving her an emergency bright blue _after_ potion instead of the yellow _before_ potion. His ears were red as he listened. Furious that James Potter could know more about potions and prevention than he did. 

“Anyway, let’s not talk about him,” Lily said, tingeing her voice with some of the loathing she used to muster when mentioning James. It was a bit difficult now. After learning more about him the last few weeks. An Animagus with an invisibility cloak and a magical map who saved Sev once—and her on more than one occasion. The school too, if she counted the Vanishing Cabinet. And her partner in crime yesterday.

“Can we talk about _this?”_ Sev said, holding up a long, velvet box.

“You got me something?” Lily flushed crimson. 

“Had to spend my business proceeds wisely,” he said, pulling out a large, red, polished stone, dangling on a gold chain.

Lily took it, turning it over in her hand. “Sev. I love it. What is it? Red jasper and...silver hematite? It looks like lava,” she said, wishing she could kiss him, but settling for slipping it over her head before the Death Eaters arrived.

“I don’t remember,” Sev chuckled. “It was red and I thought of you.” Sev tucked the box back in his trouser pocket, looking pleased with himself.

How much of his earnings had he put into her present? She took a sip of her drink, fizzing down her throat, checking the room to make sure no one noticed their exchange, then took a subconscious step away from him as Mulciber and Avery came waltzing in with their dates—Slytherins of course, all in dark greens and black.

Mary pulled her over to get their fortunes read, the witch offering up palm, tarot, or crystal ball fortunes. Palm readings would show them the outline of their future, tarot could illuminate their past, present, _and_ future, and the crystal ball would answer a burning question.

“Tarot!” Mary requested for herself, watching the woman’s ringed fingers as they turned worn cards face up, giving Mary vague, poetic interpretations. “...spontaneous enough to stretch beyond the realm of logic,” she was saying, explaining the card labeled The Fool. Lily rolled her eyes at Severus, the wallflower, wondering if Mary was the ‘bimbo’ he’d often mentioned. How could anyone believe in this nonsense?

She ran a finger down her necklace chain, catching his eye. She’d thank him properly for it later, she told him with her eyes. He hid a smile as the Death Eaters converged on him for conversation.

James, Sirius, Marlene, and Remus formed a circle on the cushions with the Ravenclaws, laughing loudly and nicking a whole bottle of champagne off an affronted fourth year. It was kind of annoying how James wasn’t watching her out of the corner of his eye, like he usually did, having too much fun. Talking to those Ravenclaw girls in their slinky silver dresses. 

Was she...jealous? He did look somehow more enticing when he wasn’t paying attention to her, the way Severus used to act half the time.

Mary poked her in the side and she realized it was her turn for a fortune. “Erm, ball,” she said, since it seemed the fastest.

“What question should I ask Fate?” the woman said, seriously, importantly, as if this were a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Lily shrugged, looking from Severus to James. What should she do about them? Her best friend and new crush, their appeal growing equal. James didn’t mess around with the dark arts though. But Sev needed her more. But James loved her the same, with his Amortentia. But there was Sev’s Patronus…

“Let’s see what they say about that,” the woman said, intuiting her. Or perhaps she was an accomplished Legillimens.

“About what?” Mary said, hovering over the innocuous orb. 

As far as Lily could see, it was just crystal, not a swirling prophecy, not a tool for looking into the unknown.

But the woman smiled sadly, her kohl-darkened eyes alight. “A beautiful future,” she said, her voice cracking. “However short.” 

Lily fell cold. “Short?”

“To love twice. And have it returned. Such a blessing. But choose wisely...and quickly,” the woman said, her eyes flicking back and forth between Lily’s.

“What kind of a fortune is that?!” Mary sneered. “Charlatan,” she mumbled, grabbing Lily by the hand and bringing her to the group on the cushions. Lily sat next to Marlene.

“Not you too,” Marlene laughed, seeing her shaken. “That fraud scared the shit out of me and James too!” she said, hugging her.

“Come here, Evans, I’ll give you a hug,” James joked, back to being a public flirt, ruffling his goddamn hair. Quidditch star James. Invincible. Carefree. That’s the way the Marauders always were around each other. Even Remus—who looked like a worrier—smiled with intrepidity. Maybe it was an act. And the fortune teller had scared him. Because dark wizards and monsters and You-Know-Who were real, not a ghost story. And war was coming.

She clutched her necklace tight and looked back at Sev, wondering how much time they had. He’d been waiting for her to look, tilting his head to say, 'follow me.' She stood, stretching, and walked along the billowing gold and red fabric walls, until she found Sev next to the gramophone. He pulled her with him, deep into the tent wall, behind layers of red, the stone and tapestries on the other side.

“You looked scared,” he said, kissing her, warming her instantly. He pressed her to the wall with one hand on her stomach, then slid it lower, finding the slit up the side and hiking it up until he could reach between her thighs. She could see through the curtains, the Hufflepuffs dancing and Slughorn ordering the fourth years about, but no one could see them in the dark.

“The fortune teller said I’d have a _short_ life,” Lily said, her voice quavering, glad she had Sev. Because he looked at her thoughtfully, not dismissively. He wasn’t embarrassed to dwell on solemn topics.

He ran a finger over her thigh. “Not if I have anything to say about it,” he promised her darkly. The reddish hue from the curtain made him look more than a boy, more of a threat. He’d protect her. She’d protect him.

“We just have to be on the side that’s the safest,” he said, as if he’d already been thinking about the upcoming war, or had seen the shadow of it in her thoughts. His hand fondled her panties, sliding up and down, asking if she wanted more.

She did, but his words were chilling her again. “We’d be on Dumbledore’s side, against You-Know-Who, right?” she said, wholly unsure of his reply.

His fingers slid beneath the fabric and his breath hit her shoulder. “We’ll see.”

She closed her eyes as he touched her, deeper, rougher, enough to lift her from the ground for a moment. “Sev, no, there’s no question. I’m going to be on the right side.”

His hand didn’t stop, his hard length digging into her leg, “There is no right or wrong, Lily, just making sure wizards are safe and Muggles leave us alone.” 

Her brain buzzed with hesitancy at Sev’s ideology. He’d never said so much on the topic before. But perhaps he thought of most Muggles as being like his father. Useless. Abusive. 

She was going to object, but he covered her mouth, pumping his fingers into her until she squirmed into his hand, crying real tears of pleasure and despair. Because she had to choose wisely and Sev was going to be on the wrong side of the war. He’d said so himself, as if it wasn’t black and white. Light and dark.

“I want you so bad, let’s get out of here,” he suggested, when she was done, ruddy-cheeked and pulling her dress straight. 

Shaking her head, she looked him in the eyes, so he could see her shock at his words, her determination that he would never become a Death Eater, that the main reason she gave him the Amortentia in the first place was so he’d stay away from them and be with her.

His eyebrows knitted. “I thought it was because you loved me,” he said coolly.

“I did. I do,” she corrected herself, trying not to look as James walked leisurely by on the other side of the curtain, looking around the room, maybe for her.

Sev blinked slowly, then glanced over his shoulder as if he knew James would be there, unfolding his map and trying to find Lily. He was going to see her and Severus’ names standing right behind him.

“Let’s get another drink,” she suggested, flattening her hair and pulling him by the hand until they reached the gramophone, before taking a glass in each hand from a tray. One for now. And one for her short future.

She took a deep swallow, then spotted Marlene and Sirius just two steps away behind their own curtain. “I don’t want to wait. What if the fortune teller was right? I might not have until next year,” Marlene said into Sirius’ chest. His arms tightened around her waist and Lily downed her glass, watching them sneak out the door into the hall. It wasn’t fair that they had to grow up so fast. It wasn’t fair that they had to spend their school years dreading the outside world. She finished her second glass, feeling the room sway and Sev’s hand on the small of her back. 

But, turning around, it was James, taking the empty glasses from her hands. “Come on, Evans,” he said, calmly, setting them down on a passing tray. “One dance and you can go back to ignoring me tomorrow.”

  
He took her hand and led her to the floor. And she let him. Because time and experiences were a precious thing now. He pulled her tight, buried behind other couples, and she laid her head on his shoulder, holding back her tears. Because for the moment she loved Severus _and_ James. And they were all alive and safe. _Ostara_ , she thought, when night and day were one and the same. 


	11. The lengths to which he'd go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **See it leave you as  
>  Faithful as it came  
> Please yourself so you  
> Don't have to be afraid  
> Make amends  
> Or carry on another way  
> Tell me what you were thinking  
> To treat somebody so  
> The care he took  
> The lengths to which he'd go**
> 
> The Lengths by The Black Keys
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/Ydxh2NQ)

The music wound down again and Remus and Mary danced slowly next to them, deep in conversation. It looked like it was going well. She mentally applauded herself for hatching the plus one plan.

“Okay, that was two songs, Potter,” Lily said, looking around for Severus. Where had he disappeared to? She was hoping he would cut in. She couldn’t imagine him wanting to dance otherwise. 

“Slughorn’s had him cornered,” James said, without looking behind him, or removing his hand from hers. 

Sure enough, Sev was being detained by Slughorn, over by the fortune teller—who looked to be rather offended, talking to their professor and motioning to Severus. Suddenly, Professor Slughorn grabbed him by the ear and pulled him to the door. 

Lily wiped James’ hand off her back, running after them. In the hall, Slughorn stripped Slytherin House of ten points in his name and shoved back inside. Sev’s jaw tightened as Lily, James, Mary, and Remus came out to investigate. 

“I leave for two seconds to tell that bitch to apologize and you’ve already latched onto someone else,” he fumed, pacing like a caged animal.

Lily’s mouth fell open. So much for their secret.

“Who are you talking about?” Mary said, oblivious.

“Not you, _Traitor,_ ” Sev spat.

Lily’s stomach twisted and she took three steps forward, slapping him across the face, hard enough to leave her palm stinging. “Traitor? Blood Traitor? Pureblood bullshit from _you,_ Sev? Don’t be a hypocrite!” 

He stood, breathing hard, embarrassed. “You’ll hit me, but not a werewolf for touching your friend? I saw him. Remus is a werewolf!” Sev shouted to the hall. 

Lily wanted to hit him again and again, slap some sense into him. He was jealous, his worst self, irrational and ready to burn the world to the ground.

“Dumbledore told you to keep shut about it!” James said, angrily.

Mary was holding Remus’ hand, but he looked stricken, probably worried he’d be kicked out of Hogwarts if word got out.

“You can’t just go _outing_ Remus!” Lily said—for lack of a better word—pushing Sev as hard as she could, though he didn’t budge. “Remus wouldn’t hurt a fly and he’s never done anything to you!”

“He could have killed me! And he doesn’t belong here,” Sev said, so viciously that James took a defensive step closer. “Oh, she doesn’t need you to protect her from me,” Sev said, pushing James one-handed to the floor. 

When he got back up, both of their wands were out, but Lily, Remus, and Mary jumped into the middle, shouting and pushing them apart until Sev put his wand away, outnumbered.

“Go cool off!” Lily shouted, pointing the way the Slytherins went to the dungeons. He glared down their group for a moment, before shaking his head like they weren’t worth it and walking away.

She turned to Remus, whose face said he was one harsh word from crumbling into tears. “We won’t say anything. Will we, Mary?” she said, looking at her friend.

“No! Say what? I didn’t hear anything,” she said sweetly, playing along.

Remus choked on a laugh. They abandoned the party, making their way back to the Gryffindor common room. When they were passing the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy, Sirius and Marlene fell out of a set of double doors Lily had never noticed before, laughing and disheveled.

“You two have been having fun,” James observed, giving his friend a playful shove. 

The doors behind them magically dissolved into stone. “Did you know about this room, Lily?” Marlene said, ecstatic. “It becomes whatever you want!”

“Come on,” James said to the group. “Common room. We need to have a little chat.”

They filed through the Fat Lady portrait—“novus amor”—choosing spots on the couches and the floor, hovering in close, still in their fancy dress clothes. James caught Sirius and Marlene up on Severus’s rather loud exclamations and asked the Marauders if they wanted to break code ‘just for the girls.’

“Break code? Are you going to tell us what you get up to?” Marlene asked from Sirius’ lap. 

Once everyone was in agreement, even Peter, who had been waiting up—in his pajamas—James told them that the werewolf situation was under control. Because they were _all_ Animagi and they ran with him every full moon to ensure he stayed well out of trouble.

“But how could a stag command a werewolf?” Lily asked. From what she’d read, when fully transformed, there was no controlling them.

“The Wolfsbane Potion,” Remus said. “I take it for the week before, every day, then I just become a wolf. A rather sleepy and _aware_ one,” he added.

“What animal are you?” Marlene asked Sirius, her eyes wide.

“A black dog,” he grinned. Handsomely.

“Sirius! You _were_ there!” she said, kissing him. 

Lily assumed she meant the day they were attacked on the way to Hogsmeade. Peter piped up that he was a rat, which didn’t impress or surprise her in the least. She gave him a high five anyway.

They huddled by the fire, regaling the girls with tales of their adventures, close calls, run-ins. But the teachers still had no idea they were Animagi or that Remus left the Shrieking Shack on the full moon. 

In the morning, they awoke in a pile, their hair falling down from their pins and braids, the boys’ ties scarved around their necks, before they offered groggy goodbyes and retired to the dormitories, sleeping through most of Sunday. 

Lily refused to look at the Slytherin table at dinner, still deciding what to do with Sev. Before anything, he needed to apologize to Mary and Remus. And stop hanging out with those ‘friends’ who were making him talk like that. And promise not to tell anyone else about Remus. It wasn’t his fault he was a werewolf, he was attacked as a little boy and almost killed.

\------------------------------

Severus wouldn’t come near her in Herbology on Tuesday and she spotted him again scrubbing flagstones in the Great Hall on Wednesday. Finally, on Thursday, he handed her a note during Potions. She unfolded it and sandwiched it into her Advanced Potion Making book to read what he had to say, spinning her pestle on the table idly. To her dismay, it wasn’t an apology.

_I joined that stupid club for you. I almost died trying to figure out what Potter and his friends got up to because I knew it was dangerous and you shouldn’t be around them. I go home every summer just to be near you and my father almost killed me._

_How dare you dance with him? You know he and his mates have taken every opportunity to hex me since we were eleven._

_I put myself in danger to be with you. Do you have any idea what Mulciber and Avery would do to me if they found out? They’d probably drip poison in my ear while I slept!_

_The fucking lengths I have gone to, breaking rules and risking expulsion to buy dress robes for that club, to get you a present. How could you treat me like that? And do you think I can’t read your mind? You can’t hide anything. Not from me._

_And no, I’m not apologizing to your monster friend or your bimbo friend. I hope he eats her._

Lily slammed her book closed, making James jump next to her. 

“Easy on the books, Evans,” James grinned. “You’ll need them to study tonight,” he said. They had been meeting at the library with the whole gang since Monday. O.W.L.’s were the next day and they were all cramming.

Severus gave him a death stare as he chopped a root with a particularly sharp-looking knife. Lily usually studied alone. Sometimes with Sev. Another new development to drive a wedge.

Lily didn’t bother writing Sev back, she simply balled his note in her fist and tossed it into the fire lit beneath her cauldron. 

He sat down, rubbing his eyes with two inky fingers, looking exhausted.

Good. She hoped his behavior kept him up at night. She hoped he missed her. And maybe when he came crawling back to her this summer, she’d entertain the idea of picking up where they left off. Because deep down, he was a good guy and this wasn’t like him. He needed to get away from Slytherin House for a while.

But, as she walked back to Gryffindor tower with Marlene, she remembered his note. That he only went home to be near her. What if he didn’t go home this summer? She looked over her shoulder, spying him in the crowd heading the other direction. Hunching to make himself smaller.

At dinner, he sat with Avery, though his head was in a book, scribbling feverishly and crossing things out, looking venomously at James and Sirius as they tossed Bertie Bott’s at his head. Though her bony elbow in Sirius’s side made them both desist. 

The Marauders were able to be studious when they wanted to be, though Sirius never seemed to pick up a book. He was, however, dedicated when it came to practicing enchantments. When the Great Hall was empty, they were allowed to do Apparation. Not only did Sirius show Lily how to do it correctly, getting from one end of the Hall to the other, but also how to take someone with her, which was N.E.W.T.'s level magic. Apparently in wizarding families, it was up to the parents to make sure their children didn’t use spells while away from school. And according to Sirius, his parents “couldn’t give a witch’s tit.”

When she went to bed that night, she felt prepared for the O.W.L.’s. And glad for the boys' help. She wished she’d had Sev’s help with potions. She did know how to make Amortentia, and that was one of their requirements, as if they would never survive in the wizarding community without knowing how to drug someone into loving them. She was also fairly certain she could describe its effects with accuracy. She opened her nightstand drawer and pushed her vial inside so she wouldn’t have to look at it anymore, then tucked Sev's necklace into her shirt. Because she wasn't ready to take it off yet. But she didn't want Sev to know that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I get one more comment about how I should make Lily end up with Sev, I'm straight up deleting it. haha. This isn't a shipping story, it's just canon pleeeease


	12. A white blank page and a swelling rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Tell me now, where was my fault  
>  In loving you with my whole heart?  
> A white blank page and a swelling rage  
> You did not think when you sent me to the brink  
> You desired my attention  
> But denied my affections**
> 
> White Blank Page by Mumford & Sons
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Bolding lines from the book.

[ ](https://ibb.co/sjZbS20)

Their practical exam preceded the written exams, with students heading to one of six classrooms to be tested.

“Good luck, Evans,” James said from behind her in the hall, tucking away his map. He’d found the classroom the girls had chosen. Bit stalkery.

“You too,” she said nervously. Just charms, her favorite, she reminded herself. And transfigurations shouldn’t be a problem for her, she thought, remembering the wooden goblets and the baseball bat. Then two written exams and it would all be over and she could relax. 

Her Potions exam that morning had gone surprisingly well—the one she had been fretting over, especially since Slughorn lauded her as a prodigy to the experts there to test them.

She took a seat with Marlene and Mary, the rest of the room filled with twenty or so students, including James and...Sev at the front. Her stomach clenched. “Let’s pick a different room?” she pleaded to Marlene, but Professor Flitwick was already introducing them to the famous old Auror who had come to score them.

One by one, they were called to the front and asked to perform a series of spells. They Apparated and transformed a brick into a music box—some playing a better tune than others—then produced their Patronus, making it run once about the room.

Sev went before her, his music box successfully chiming a morose sort of tune, but he struggled to conjure his Patronus, finally landing it on the third try. The cat circled the room lazily, giving her a wide berth. She wondered if he was having a hard time hanging onto a happy memory. She wondered which it was. Them by the river in Cokeworth? Swimming at the boathouse? His hands running over her in the mirror room?

“Evans, Lily,” the examiner read off the sign-in parchment.

Lily’s mouth went dry as everyone’s heads turned to face her, except for Sev, staring resolutely at his ink-stained fingers.

Instead of walking the gauntlet of their eyes, she spun in place, Apparating herself to the front of the room—gracefully, the way Sirius had shown her. The old examiner clapped, chuckling and deeming her, “rather cheeky.”

Her brick-music-box was ornate and played a gentle tune, one that sounded like autumn willow leaves on the breeze. “Magnificent,” he said, writing down a note. “And your Patronus?”

She closed her eyes, trying not to look at Sev, only two desks away. “A cat,” she said, thinking of a happy memory. She was going to imagine the moment Sev told her she was special, she was a witch. But it felt so long ago now.

James flashed her a smile from three rows down and she remembered instead when his lips brushed hers under the cloak. _“Expecto Patronum!”_

The smoky blue creature shot from her wand—not a cat, but a small doe—jumping onto a desk before hitting the floor and walking daintily about the room. James was watching with confusion and Sev looked like he wanted to bolt from the room and scream in the hall again.

“Not a cat, then,” the examiner smirked, as if he knew. That they changed frequently, based on who you liked.

Her neck blushed beneath her collar as she walked back to her seat, forced to look at James, grinning like a bandit. Back to his old, cocky self. 

———————-

Flitwick called, **“Quills down, please!”**

There was a commotion as he Accio’d their parchments, enough to knock him to the ground.

She breathed a sigh of relief, exiting the Great Hall with Marlene and Mary, pouring over the exam questionnaire together. 

“I was so scared, looking at that blank parchment and knowing we had two hours to answer all of those,” Mary said as they trailed outside behind the Marauders, branching away to dip their feet in the cool water of the Black Lake for half an hour before their Transfiguration exam.

James toyed with a Snitch, letting it fly for a moment before catching it every time.

“He’s got good reflexes,” Marlene said in his defense, noting the look on Lily’s face.

“He’s showing off,” she said, wiggling her toes over the flat of a lily pad.

“Yeah, for you,” Mary said, teasingly. “Probably liked your Patronus.”

She cringed. She knew it was coming. “I don’t like Potter. I just...thought of the wrong memory.”

_**“** **Expelliarmus** **!”**_ James shouted behind them. They turned to see him disarm Severus, sending his wand flying over to the bushes.

**Sirius let out a bark of laughter.**

“Oh, no,” Lily groaned. “Not this shit again.”

_**“Impedimenta!”**_ James **said, pointing his wand at** Sev, **who was knocked off his feet, halfway through a dive toward his fallen wand.**

**James** glanced **over his shoulder at the girls.** Did he think she _wanted_ Sev tormented? Just because they were having a fight didn’t mean she wanted them to go back to picking on him.

Students were laughing and sniggering, coming closer to watch. She stretched her neck to see around them, trying to seem uninterested. He’d told her himself. He didn’t want her to defend him _every_ time. 

_**“** **Scourgify**_ ** _!”_ **James said, filling Sev’s mouth with soapy bubbles, enough to leave him gagging.

Fuck it.

**“Leave him ALONE!”** Lily shouted, jumping to her feet.

**“All right, Evans?”** James said, sounding unbothered.

**“Leave him alone,” Lily repeated. “What’s he done to you?”** Sev was a jerk to Mary and Remus, but he’d never attacked James just for the hell of it. In fact, Remus wasn’t even taking part, still reading a book in the grass, his eyes unmoving over the page.

**“Well, it’s more the fact that he** **_exists_** **, if you know what I mean…”** James said, more to the onlookers than to her.

**“You think you’re funny,” she said coldly.** “Fun when it’s two against one? Is that bravery? **Leave him** **_alone_** **.”**

James looked perturbed, taking a different tact. Flirting.

**“I will if you go out with me, Evans,” James said quickly. “Go on...Go out with me, and I’ll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again.”**

The crowd laughed, even Marlene. Even as her blood boiled at the sight of Sev tied by invisible ropes, coughing on soap, his face a mask of hate.

**“I wouldn’t go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid.”**

“Oooh,” the crowd hummed, turning to watch the smile of confidence on James’s face morph into predicted disappointment.

**“Bad luck, Prongs,” said Sirius briskly, turning back to** Sev **. “OY!”**

**But too late;** Sev **had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about; a second flash of light later,** Sev **was hanging upside down in the air.**

He’d used _her_ charm. Levicorpus. The one everyone thought Sev had invented. He looked at her, upside down, probably thinking the same thing and she hid a smile. **“Let him down!”**

**“Certainly,” said James and he jerked his wand upward. Severus fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. Disentangling himself from his robes, he got quickly to his feet, wand up, but Sirius** **said, “** **Locomotor** **mortis!” and** **Sev keeled over again at once, rigid as a board.**

**“LEAVE HIM ALONE!” Lily shouted.** She pulled her wand out and **James and Sirius eyed it warily.**

**“Ah, Evans, don’t make me hex you,” said James earnestly.**

**“Take the curse off him, then!”**

**James sighed deeply, then turned to** Sev **and muttered the countercurse.**

**“There you go,” he said as Sev struggled to his feet again, “you’re lucky Evans was here, Snivellus—”**

**“I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!”** Sev shouted, his words cutting deeper than the slice on James’s cheek.

How barbaric. The spell and the word. Mudblood. Even Mulciber and Avery wouldn’t say it to her face. Dumbledore would have them scrubbing floors until their fingers bled.

**Lily blinked. “Fine,” she said coolly. “I won’t bother in future.”** Her voice betraying more emotion than she intended.

**“Apologize to Evans!” James roared at** Sev **, his wand pointing threateningly at him.**

**“I don’t want** **_you_ ** **to make him apologize,” Lily shouted, rounding on James. “You’re as bad as he is..”**

**“What? I’d NEVER call you a… you-know-what!”**

It was his fault. This whole thing. Everything was fine with Sev before he came along with his stupid friends and his fucking hazel eyes.

**“Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you’ve just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can. I’m surprised your broomstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK.”** **She turned on her heel and hurried away.**

**“Evans!” James shouted after her, “Hey, EVANS!”**

But she didn’t turn around, her eyes already flooding. She was barefoot and her things were by the lake. But Marlene and Mary would get them, find her. She broke into a run, over the thick heather, straight to the clock tower courtyard where they would know to look. She sat on the clean, grey stones and cried into her knees, her back to the flowering pear tree. It was partly her fault, the scene Sev had made. Because he’d seen her smile and thought she enjoyed seeing him tortured. But she thought he would read her, see the inside joke. Levicorpus. Back when she showed him how to invent charms.

And what had he done with that knowledge? Invented a spell that could slice his enemies apart. She hoped James would give him back as good as he gave. She hoped they beat each other black and blue. Maybe they’d go to the hospital wing instead of their last exam, she thought wickedly.

Mary and Marlene found her and threw their arms around her. “What a monster, that Severus!” Mary said, dropping her shoes at her feet.

“Yeah, how could you ever like him?” Marlene asked, rhetorically. 

Lily tried to speak but it came out as a sob. “I...gave him _everything_ ,” she confessed, self pity tearing at her throat, his stone weighing heavily on her chest.

Marlene’s eyes widened at her meaning. “Oh, Lily,” she cooed, holding her tight.


	13. It’s been coming for some time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Someone told me long ago  
>  There's a calm before the storm  
> And I know  
> It's been coming for some time  
> When it's over, so they say  
> It'll rain a sunny day  
> I know  
> Shinin' down like water**
> 
> Have You Ever Seen The Rain by The Lumineers (Rod Stewart cover)
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/GtrGYQD)

Sev was trying to read her mind, but she refused, hugging herself in her nightgown and glaring down the eavesdropping portraits.

**“I’m sorry.”**

**“I’m not interested.”**

**“I’m sorry!”** Sev repeated, maintaining a distance of two steps. 

**“Save your breath. I only came out because Mary told me you were threatening to sleep here.”**

Sev had banged on the Fat Lady portrait for an hour. Lucky for him, the House prefects and Head Boy and Girl were all off having their own Last Night at Hogwarts Party in the Great Hall.

She gave it two hours before they came back and wrote him up. Not that it mattered. Gryffindor had won the House Cup at dinner.

**“I was. I would have done. I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just—.”** Sev’s hand reached for her and she slapped it away. She wanted to take his hand. It was the hand of her friend. He could have had everything, her heart and soul forever and he’d destroyed all hope of that!

**“Slipped out?”** Her voice came out pitiless. **“It’s too late. I’ve made excuses for you for years. None of my friends can understand why I even talk to you.”** She watched her words cut across his face. **“You and your precious little Death Eater friends—you see, you don’t even deny it! You don’t even deny that’s what you’re all aiming to be! You can’t wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?”**

**He opened his mouth, but closed it without speaking.**

“Come on, Sev. Don’t go that way,” she said seriously. All of his talents and smarts. Given to the wrong side. She could almost picture it. Him chasing her down with his friends. Formidable. With his barely-concealed rage fueling him.

He didn’t defend himself. He was part of a new club now. One he liked better. He was in. They’d be grooming him for ‘The Dark Lord’.

**“I can’t pretend anymore,”** Lily said, shivering. **“You’ve chosen your way, I’ve chosen mine.”** She stepped back through the open portrait tunnel, closing it in his stricken face. 

She lost her composure then, sliding down to the ground and crying silently. She sat like that until James found her—like he always did—and sat across from her, unspeaking.

“I hate you too, James,” she said, so he’d know just because she couldn’t get away from him, he was unwelcome, watching her when she was vulnerable, her eye makeup probably running.

He looked up at the mention of his first name. 

“Did you come to rub it in my face?” she said. He’d told her a month ago. That Sev would become a Death Eater.

“I mean, whatever you’re into, Evans,” he joked, cocking an eyebrow, making her snort. It almost hurt to laugh. Like she never thought she’d laugh again, and yet there she was, laughing on the floor with a ridiculous mental image.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed before someone steps on you,” he said, pulling her to her feet and leading her to the stairs to the girl’s dormitories. He did that thing again—his hand on the small of her back—and her thrill fluttered. 

She climbed the stairs slowly, but James whispered her name once from the bottom. “ _Lily._ ”

She paused, turning around, watching as he put one foot on the stair. The staircase collapsed into a slide—no boys allowed in the girl’s dormitories—sweeping her smoothly back to the common room at his feet. She opened her mouth to yell at him, but James kneeled, kissing her, hard enough that she leaned back against the stone slide. 

It felt familiar. Like the staircase with Sev, only without being jabbed in the back.

She kissed him too, feeling him for the first time, all muscles and strength and he was going to use it for good, be on her side, the right side of the war.

He kept his hands on her face, on her hair, his mouth warm and intimate, opening to hers, her tongue finding his and his body gradually lowering into her. 

She was very aware that Sev was probably still lingering outside the portrait hole. And that she was in her nightgown. And that the slide had pulled it up past her hips and that James had a knee between her legs. 

She could have. Gone further. But James broke the kiss to look into her eyes, reading her face, not her mind. She was glad for the privacy, because she was confused. It was too soon, wasn’t it? It felt like she had two hearts in her chest. One broken and one pounding.

“I got you something,” he said, his voice husky. “But I’ll give it to you tomorrow.”

She wanted him to _give it_ to her now. She could feel him, hard against her left shin. Maybe under the cloak, by the fire. Or that secret room Sirius and Marlene had used. 

But he just smiled and pulled her dressing gown over her hips, satisfied for tonight that she’d kissed him, that her tears were gone, and that he hadn’t had to apologize and grovel—though it would have been appreciated.

The stairs re-formed, pushing her into a sitting position, and she looked down to where his hand was squeezing hers. Surreal. 

“Goodnight,” he said, watching her stand and back away, one stair at a time. 

Next year would be easier. With time to heal and start afresh with him, maybe as friends first. He’d wait for her, over the summer, she knew that. And she wanted him to.

“Night,” she said, still unable to smile, though she _was_ , on the inside.

—————————————

“That’s better,” Marlene said, waking her up in the morning. She was looking at the daylilies on Lily’s nightstand—not dead, but blooming again. 

She’d dreamt of James that night. 

She was tired of secret relationships. “James kissed me.”

“What?” Mary squealed from behind her bed curtains.

“Oh my gosh!” Marlene said, throwing a pillow in her face. “Didn’t I call it? Look at you grinning like a fool!”

They packed their trunks carefully, discussing summer plans and whether or not the boys would write to them. Sirius had promised to visit Marlene. “He’s building a motorbike that flies,” she moaned in that voice she saved for naughty daydreams, making them laugh all the way down the stairs. The house elves would deliver their trunks to Hogsmeade Station.

Lily ran her hand over the stone wall of the courtyard, a goodbye to the castle until next year. And the boys walked with them to the station, the rare Scottish sun showing its face. James had something for her, she remembered, but perhaps he was saving it, too embarrassed to be sappy around his friends. He joked and laughed, stole their flower crowns and acted as though nothing had shifted between them. No public argument. No bone-tingling kiss in the common room.

The Hogwarts Express was waiting, spouting steam and filling with students. Marlene and Sirius sat down in the long car with Remus and Mary. And Peter. The long car was for upperclassman, bigger than the compartments and with tea service, but James tilted his head and she followed. He found an empty room and slid the door shut.

She sat near the window, watching as the train left the station, everything rushing by, backwards.

James sat across from her, pulling an actual, live kitten out of his bag. Lily laughed, shocked, as the cat climbed over his thigh and into her lap.

“For you,” he said, diffidently. “Read his name tag.”

The kitten was surprisingly light, orange and white, with a skinny collar. She turned it, reading a small, gold tag. “James. You can’t name a cat ‘Sorry’.”

“You can’t eat your body weight in gingerbread, but I’ve seen you do it,” he grinned.

She smiled, rolling her eyes. “I was _twelve_.” How many times had he mocked her for that one time she ate so much at the Christmas feast she’d made herself sick.

“All the more impressive,” he said, stroking the kitten under the chin. He purred, kneading the fabric of her skirt.

“Did you just have this poor thing stuffed in your satchel all morning?” she laughed, though Sorry seemed remarkably unsquashed.

“Hey, it took me all night to rig it. He had food and water and a scratching post in there,” James laughed, her joining him, but they both froze when Severus walked by their door, spotted them for a second, and continued on, his face blank.

Lily’s face fell. She felt guilty. Like she was betraying him. For a minute she’d forgotten that she’d just lost her best friend and first crush. That he’d embarrassed her and all she’d wanted to do was help.

“Do you want to go back to the dining car?” James asked, and she nodded. Sorry climbed up on her shoulder like a parrot and they made their way back, introducing her new pet to the group.

“Keep him away from Sirius,” Marlene warned, winking at him.

“No! I love cats,” he objected. “That’s such a stereotype.” Sirius took Sorry and instead pointed to Peter. “You on the other hand, you’d better watch out, Wormtail.”

Poor Peter, the fourth wheel to their couplings. Though, if she was honest, he seemed to only have eyes for James. It had been that way since they were kids. And it would account for his coldness to her now, to Sorry, and his watchful eye as James’s hand found hers under the table.


	14. This is only where it began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Love is deep as the road is long  
>  And moves my feet to carry on  
> It beats my heart when you are gone  
> Love is deep as the road is long  
> Nobody knows how the story ends  
> Live the day, doing what you can  
> This is only where it began  
> Nobody knows how the story ends**
> 
> Nobody Knows by The Lumineers
> 
> [The Spotify Playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6Kh1GRLaSCF1pvxJnfWxNw?si=lx-BgGw-Q3-gNSID3URhqQ)

[ ](https://ibb.co/gr92r4v)

By the time her parents picked her up at King’s Cross Station and drove north again—three hours to Cokeworth—she barely had energy to process the day. Hugging her friends goodbye at the platform, all in their Muggle clothes—even Mary, who seemed to struggle the most with blending in, avoiding wizarding terms, not staring at Muggles and their vehicles.

James had given her a promising look, helping her with her trunk and introducing himself to her parents, before racing off with his friends.

She awoke with Sorry asleep on her pillow and brought him downstairs to the kitchen, fixing him a saucer of the food James had given her, before opening up her trunk to unpack.

On top of everything was her vial of Amortentia, the label torn to hide its contents. She should take it somewhere and bury it. It was powerful and ‘not to be fucked around with’.

She clenched it in a fist and told her parents she was going down the lane to check the post. 

“She’s going to see that Snape boy,” Tuney said from in front of the TV, the only one not delighted to have her home.

“Bring him by for tea,” her father said, looking her over and deciding she was old enough that he needed to worry about which boys she met with now.

“I really am just checking the post,” she lied. “And I’m not really friends with him anymore,” she threw at Petunia.

Her sister pouted and rubbed her eyes with two fists in mock tears. “What a shame!”

Lily ignored her. Older and even more immature than when she left for school. She tread the path to the postbox, passing it completely and wandering down to the river, just to catch a glimpse of the town again, all brick industrial buildings. And to see if Sev was at their summer meeting place, a good spot for a secret potion burial.

He wasn’t there. Maybe he hadn’t come back this summer. She sat in the grass and pulled her necklace out of her shirt, turning it over in her hand. 

“You’re still wearing it,” Sev said from out of nowhere, sitting down beside her.

She jumped, but looked away toward the willow tree, bright green, it’s roots drinking from the river.

“I’m not staying at my parents’,” he said, suddenly. “Just came back to get some things.” 

“Where will you go?” she said, proud her voice came out strong.

“I have enough gold to rent a small place for the summer. Maybe Diagon Alley,” he added, looking down at his hands, holding his Potions book, the one he was always scribbling in.

“You mean Knockturn Alley,” she hissed. She wasn’t a mind reader, but she knew he went down those dark streets every year, for whatever reason he was drawn to it.

“Maybe,” he said, honestly. “Here,” he handed her his book. 

“It’s yours,” she objected, but he wouldn’t take it back.

“I won’t bother you anymore. It’s not safe to be friends anyway. But at least you’ll have my notes and you can make a decent potion,” he said, somewhat patronizing.

She wanted to cry. He was planning for years. Years of not speaking to her. Even though they were sitting there, talking civilly. “Mulciber and Avery are graduating,” she said, hearing the hurt in her own voice.

“Yeah, but the others aren’t. And there are...quite a few,” he said, warning her. Rosier and Wilkes would be the ringleaders now. Maybe even Sev. 

She stood. “Don’t do it.”

He just squinted up at her, his future implacable.

“You can stay with me this summer,” she cried, watching him stand too, so tall.

His blank face softened and he took her free hand, finding the Amortentia she’d been holding tight. He ran his hand up her arm instead.

“With your sister in the house? I’d rather sleep in a cramped London attic.”

He’d already found a place then. Probably through his _connections_. His hand on her arm tickled, but did nothing to her, no thrill, just reminded her of when it did. Sensual memories of the boathouse and the mirror room and even the hidden staircase. Memories she had to carry forever, heavy, like the stone around her neck.

“I’ll miss you,” she said, truthfully. Her small town would be so dull without him around. Her best friend.

“Lily,” he started, his dark eyes locking her in place. “No matter…what happens. I’m always going to love you and nobody else. And. I won’t be _your_ enemy.”

She leaned to cry into his chest, but he turned and walked away, without a goodbye, one of the things she loved about him. Walking down the lane with his bow-legged walk and his hands in his pockets. 

She wanted to run after him. She wanted to give him something to remember her by, like a necklace or a book, but she didn’t have anything. Her insides screamed.

“Sev!” she shouted, running. He stopped and she collided with him, kissing him, not a beginning, but an ending, one worthy of them and what they were. 

He wrapped his arms around her, knowing it, savoring it, trying to bring it back, but the season had changed. It was summer now and her head was full of James and his was full of dark ambition.

“I’ll _always_ …” he said into her hair, his face wet. But she ran, her broken heart overshadowing her pounding one, ran the length of the lane until she hit her garden gate and pushed inside, crying in earnest, avoiding the house and walking around the back with her vial and Sev’s book.

She sat in the grass, dewy and cold, putting her head in her hands. The vial gleamed by her shoe and she picked it up, unstoppering it, just to get one last sense of him. To remember what love smelled like, to melt into a puddle on the grass.

But the smell had changed.

_Terry cloth_. Like a warm towel.

_Red deer_. Musk and dirt and grass.

_And butterbeer._ Like a sweet Gryffindor victory.

She relaxed, the scent leaving her feeling cozy and less alone. 

To love twice. And have it returned. Such a blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. I straight up cried writing this chapter. haha


End file.
